Thursday, August 18, 2011

Three diseases without shame: Love, itch and thirst.

Can someone please tell me what is wrong with the skin on men’s backs?  Is there some sort of gender based genetic flaw that causes them to be constantly itchy or is it true what we said when we were little girls that boys have cooties?

Every woman with a man in her life has heard, "Scratch my back." 

OMG . . . I’m getting all itchy just thinking about it!

Whatever it is, my hubby has it baaaaaaaad!  His back is just one big perpetual itch that needs to be scratched.  An itch that he can't quite reach.  And it's never an isolated itch . . . it seems that his whole entire back gets itchy all at once.

I can tell when he’s got an attack coming on; it is never subtle.  First he starts squirming around a little.  And, the he starts to wiggle, just a small back and forth motion of his shoulders. Then it starts to escalate and turns into a full on squiggle . . . that’s when he wiggles and squirms at the same time.

Let him tell it and you'd think I never touch his back.  This is blatantly untrue.  I just not willing to drop what I'm doing at the pop of an itch to scritch scratch him.  If I gave in every single time he had an itch I'd be scratching every single minute of the day.

If I can manage to ignore the exaggerated affectation, he will huff in frustration and, much like a bear in the woods, he will rub up against anything that might relieve the itch.

There isn’t enough time in the day to satisfy his tickliness. He often says that if he could teach the cat to scratch his back he would.  That’s suicide, man!  He knows what’s hidden beneath those cute little pads on her feet . . . it’s terrifying!  If you have a cat you know what I’m talking about . . . little pink jelly beans of death; miniature razor sharp katanas!

There’s no telling when an assault will come on . . . but the worst may be when we’re in bed.  The squirming, the wiggling and then soon he’s flopping around like a fish out of water.  A person can barely get any sleep. 

Hey, hunny?  That’s what that back scrather thing-a-ma-jigger is for.  Use it.

Oh, by the way . . . sometimes my back gets itchy, too.  It wouldn't hurt to have a little "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" going on. Yeah, fat chance of that!

BLT With Spicy Mayo

  • 1 Cup Mayonnaise
  • 1 Tablespoon Sriracha Sauce
  • 16 Slices Thick Bacon
  • 1/2 Head Iceberg Lettuce
  • 4 Beefsteak Tomatoes
  • 8 Slices Heart White Bread
  • Butter

Make the spicy mayonnaise by mixing mayonnaise with Sriracha.  Reserve cold.

Cook bacon in oven to desired crispness. Reserve warm.

Butter both sides of each slice of bread and grill until golden brown in a hot skillet.

Spread spicy mayo over one side of the grilled bread.  Top with bacon sliced tomato and lettuce.

This is a serious kicked up BLT . . . you may never go back to same ol’, same ol’.

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