Thursday, February 2, 2012

I smoke all the time, one after the other

Have you ever had someone blow smoke up your ass?  Yeah, me too . . . all the time . . . oh, wait . . . no I haven’t!  Not ever!

There was a time, in fact, when it was a bona fide medical practice for a physician to literally blow smoke up his patient’s ass.  I swear!  You cannot make this stuff up.

The practice was known as a ‘tobacco smoke enema’.  It was common in the mid-18th century until the early 19th century as an acceptable method of artificial respiration . . . kind of like CPR but instead of blowing air into the lungs they would . . . well, you get the picture.  But just in case you don’t quite get it . . . the procedure entailed (get it . . . tail . . . hehe) inserting a rectal tube into the anus.  
The tube was connected to a fumigator and bellow that forced the smoke into the patient’s bum.  There were, of course, other more personal methods of introducing the smoke in to one's derriere.

Why, pray tell, would a doctor want to poof smoke into a tookus?  Sounds like a Clinton/Lewinsky thing with necrophilial undertones to me . . . but that’s where my mind goes.

The purpose was used to resuscitate drowning victims.  Supposedly, the stimulating effects of the tobacco combined with the warm smoke would encourage the person to start breathing.  Surely, if someone blew a gust of cigarette smoke into my fanny, I’d probably take a deep breath . . . and then smack the crap out of the whoever was administering the treatment.

Of course, this came at a time when it was common to use mercury to cure syphilis and morphine/opium compounds to quiet obnoxious children. 

The use of tobacco smoke enema’s fell out of favor when it was discovered that the chief component in tobacco smoke is a cardiac poison that can stop the circulation of blood . . . you got it . . . nicotine.  

Yes it can kill you.  Substances are rapidly absorbed at a higher concentration when passed through the intestinal walls . . . which is why the youths of today are giving each other alcohol enemas to get drunk faster . . . but that’s a whole other topic.

Anyway, the effects of the procedure dubious at best.  Hence . . . the evolution of blowing smoke up one’s ass coming to mean to lie or to tell a falsehood.

Greek/House Dressing

3/4 Cup Olive Oil
2 Teaspoons Garlic Powder
2 Teaspoons Dried Oregano
1 1/2 Teaspoons Dried Basil
1 1/2 Teaspoons Pepper
1 1/2 Teaspoons Salt
1 1/2 Teaspoons Onion Powder
1 1/2 Teaspoons Dijon-Style Mustard
1 Cup Red Wine Vinegar

In a quart container, mix together the olive oil, garlic powder, oregano, basil, pepper, salt, onion powder, and Dijon-style mustard. Pour in the vinegar, and mix vigorously until well blended. Store tightly covered at room temperature.

I smoke all the time, one after the other.
Greta Garbo

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