Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Confucius say, Man Who Fart In Church, Sit In Own Pew

Farts are  funny . . . oh, come on, don’t be a prude... you know what I’m talking about.  If you think about it farts are actually minor miracles.  Can you imagine whistling through a mouthful of peas?  Your sphincter is blowing  through a mess of obstacles much ickier than that . . . and mostly without incident.  Mostly.

Oh, and just so you know, girls don’t piffle, they blow kisses.  Yeah right . . . sure, you go ahead and believe that.  If the truth be known, chicks make just as much gas as the next guy . . . or girl; they’re only slightly more dainty about it . . . ha!  Don't you believe it.
Here are some of my favorites  . . .  if you can call them that . . . 

It's all fun and games until someone lets loose an SBD . . . for the uninitiated that would be a Silent but Deadly . . . The nastiest and stealthiest of all flatulence.  As the name implies they are quiet whispers of stench that slip out unheard and wallop you with their ferocious stink.  
One day a friend was at work . . . when she was at work and air biscuit slipped out.  Thankfully the emission was covered by the piped in muzak.   A few feet away some woman sniffed and said. . . “Mmm, mmm, mmmmmm!  Is somebody cooking? Something sure does smell good!  I smell roasted chicken, gravy and mashed potatoes.”  I . . . er . . . my friend almost choked on her laughter.  That, my friends, is what is known as a Food Fart.

Have you ever been in a room full of people and all of a sudden you smell an intense odor, strong enough to make quite a few people look around.   Don’t be all innocent . . . that smell came from you and you know it . . . but no one else does.  The secret is not to panic . . . stay calm and cool, don't look guilty . . . and for the love of toots don’t crack up.  Eventually the smell will dissipate and the indiscretion will be forgotten . . . that stinker is known as a crowd fart.

This one hasn't happened to me personally . . . and if it did, I'm sure as sh!t not telling!  It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.  This one is . . . dum dee dum . . . the dripping fart.

Here's the scenario . . . you can feel it building but you can't hold it back . . . you sneeze . . . and let off a booty-bomb at the same time. It's happened to me . . .  it's was an accident and just came flying out.   This one is known as the The Atchoo-Fart-Fart.  If you’re lucky it won’t be a Dripping Atchoo-Fart-Fart . . . that has not happened to me

This may be the scariest rectum roar ever! It is alarming to farter and bystanders alike. It has a sound of pain to it and it is looooong winded.  That’s how you can tell that it’s a strolling heiny belch. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It’s loud, wavering fart that can go on for fifteen seconds  . . . or more!  If you experience this ripsnorter you may be left unable to speak; as though you've had the wind knocked out of you. 

Has this ever happened to you?  This is chuckalicious sphincturbulence, to be sure!  It’s a toot that takes a little bit to warm up but once it get’s going . . . the sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out fart that gets caught crossways and takes considerable effort to get out . . . this is the ka-pow fart.

Heh . . . this is a good one. This thunder dumpling is identifiable by its long, loud popping sound.  The popcorn fart has distinct vibrations can be felt by all who are on the same bed or sofa.  Embarrassingly enough, this one did happen to me once.  I was out to dinner with some friends and we were seated at a table equipped with wooden benches . . . all of a sudden power poof of immense proportions came busting out  . . . very loudly . . . yep, you might say that it was a conversation stopper.  

Just so you know . . . backfiring on your spouse in bed those are not . . . I repeat  . . . NOT poofs of love!  Honey?  Are you listening?

And remember . . . whoever smelt it dealt it!   

Here's the question that has been plaguing man since the beginning of time . . . Will you explode if you don't fart?  Yes! The excess gas and air bubbles build up.  Eventually you will explode like a balloon going into a wall of needles.  You will expel excess gas one way or another...use your imagination . . . but any way it happens, it won't be pretty.  Although it might be pretty funny!

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