Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Once you go gnome you never go home --or-- Fornit sum Fornus

Did you ever put something down then go back to get it and it’s not there.   You know where you put it and it’s just not there.   Then only to eventually find it exactly where you left in the spot where you know you’ve looked before . . . like, ten times before?  Yeah, it happens to me all the time.  At first I chocked it up to forgetfulness or absentmindedness.  And, then I thought someone in the house was trying to be funny or trying to make me think I’m crazy.  But it happens all the time in my home and not just to me . . . but everyone in the family.  If I’m patient and if I give it time the thing will just turn up exactly where it should be . . . just where I left it. It kind of freaks me out. 

I know exactly what you're thinking.  You’re thinking that among the millions of parallel universes that often the object doesn’t exist in all of them.  So as the twin worlds converge the object may be cancelled out in an instant only to be brought back into existence at another moment in time.  Nice try.  That’s the simple answer and you don’t get off the hook that easy.

The true answer to the perplexing mystery is far more complex and inexplicable -
Gnomes . . . or house gnomes to be more precise.

There are many types of gnomes; but the house gnome is the creature of which I speak. Gnomes are small, stocky humanoids that usually stand between 1' 7" and 2' 2" weighting between 20 and 30 lb.    They speak Gnomic, Sylvan and Dwarven . . . although house gnomes speak English quite well.   

Gnomes are playful, endlessly curious and incessant jokesters.   Their inquisitive nature may compel them to want to explore and wreak minor havoc  . . . like computer glitches and ‘misplaced’ items.  Their love of practical jokes is another reason for things disappearing only to reappear at a later time. 

Only the cat can see
the house gnomes
when they are hiding
important papers and objects
from me.

Generally speaking, gnomes are shy.  They are nocturnal and, because they are suspicious of the taller races, rarely come into contact with humans.   They are, however, the protectors of all animals, both wild and domesticated, except for cats.    I believe this is due to the fact that female gnomes dress is drab, earthy tones . . . as opposed to the colorful garb that the males wear . . . and are often mistaken for mice.

House gnomes tend to make their homes in small, unoccupied spaces in human habitats.  They will help themselves to small bits of food and beverage of their host family but will do small chores and repairs in restitution.  If you suspect you have house gnomes, leave a small gift of milk and cake.  They will show their appreciation by playing fewer pranks and being more helpful.

True or not . . . I dunno, but still funny . . . in a disturbing kind of way:

Two friends smoked some pot and got the munchies.  So they went out for a drive to McDonald’s to grab some food.  Along the way they saw a lawn gnome playing in a sandbox.  They grabbed it, put it in the backseat, and went to McDonald’s.  When they were at the McDonald’s drive-thru the gnome started crying.  They bought it a happy meal, which appeased the gnome,  and it started eating it.  

They took it home and eventually fell asleep. When they woke up the gnome was no where to be found.  Eventually, they found it in a closet.  Except when they opened the closet they found out that the gnome was actually a 4 year old boy.  They were subsequently arrested and prosecuted for kidnapping.

Moral . . . don't do drugs.


The GGLF or Garden Gnome Liberation Front is at the forefront of freeing captive gnomes.  The GGLF believes that gnomes deserve the same rights and liberty afforded to humans.    In 1997, over 150 gnomes were removed from private properties and emancipated.   

In 1998, spurred on by previous successful venutes but sadden by the continuing enslavement of their bretheren there was a ‘mass suicide’ in a small city in France.  A note found nearby read, “When you read these few words we will no longer be part of your selfish world, where we serve merely as pretty decorations."  The liberation front quietly went about it business for then next couple of years . . . freeing indivifual gnomes on a smaller scale.  And then, in 2000, at a garden show 2,000 confined gnomes were defiantly displayed.  In a nighttime raid, 20 of the gnomes were led to freedom.  The GGLF claimed responsibility, demanding that the Garden Gnomes be released into their natural habitat and not be ridiculed as cheap garden decorations.

If you would like to help the gnomes  . . . the Garden Gnome Liberation encourages people to report neighborhood tyranny, organize a picket demonstration, write to Congress, and free a gnome.


Prime Rib Soup

Photo courtesy of Henry Krauzy
4 Or 5 Bones From A Roasted Beef Rib Roast, With Some Meat Attached
3 Quarts Water
1 Medium Onion, Diced
1 Stalk Celery, Diced
1 Carrot, Diced
1 Of 14 Oz. Can Diced Tomatoes
Kosher Salt
Black Pepper
1 Tbsp Dried Parsley
1/2 Cup Pearled Barley
2 Medium Potatoes, Diced
1 Can Corn

Put all ingredients, through parsley, in a large pot.

Cook over medium heat for 1/2 hour.

Add barley and cook for another 1/2 hour.

Remove bones from pot & cool. Remove meat from bones & cut into pieces.

Return meat to pot and then add potato and corn. Cook 1/2 hour or until potatoes are cooked.

Serve with fresh, crusty bread. This soup also freezes well.


  1. Hello, you are using my photo of prime rib without my permission. I don't mind if you use it but please credit me. i.e. photo courtesy of Henry Krauzyk

    Thank you.

  2. I honestly don't remember where I got the photo - or even if it's mine. But I am happy to give you credit and apologize if I stole it.