Monday, November 28, 2011

I tried marijuana once. I did not inhale.

As a requirement of employment for most jobs I’ve ever applied for, I’ve had to offer a sample to be tested for illegal substances.  I've always taken such a thing seriously, after all . . . whether or not I got the job most likely hinged on the results of said test.

For anyone who’s been subjected to a pre-employment drug test, you know that it’s a painless procedure but it can be unnerving.  You’re handed a plastic cup and escorted to a bathroom.  You are told to urinate into the cup while someone waits right outside the door.  You are instructed to place the sample on the back of the toilet, not to flush and not to wash your hands until the waiting person take possession of the piddle.

A friend of mine has to take periodic drug tests to maintain his job.  He told me a story about one of these tests that had me practically peeing my pants . . . with laughter.

He did as he was told and urinated into the cup and placed it on the lid of the toilet tank.  When the woman came to retrieve it she looked at it but did not touch it.  He had filled the cup so full that it was literally domed at the top and there was no way she would be able to pick it up without spilling it all over the place.

Keep in mind my friend is not a malicious fellow, but he does have a quirky, impish sense of humor.

She said, “how am I supposed to pick that up.” 

Spontaneously he said, “carefully, I’d say”.

Needless to say, she was not amused.

Again, She goes to pick it up and  . . . again . . . hesitates.

“How am I going to pick that up without spilling it?”

Without thinking he said to the person testing his urine sample upon which his employment was hinged, “why don’t you take a sip a little off the top.”

Woman?  Definitely, NOT amused.

Him?  Miraculously, still employed. 

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