Stuff by Cher: Books affect his intestines like a laxative.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Books affect his intestines like a laxative.

There you are . . . browsing for a book with your boyfriend. All of a sudden his face gets all scrunchy like he’s experiencing intense pain. While you look at him with growing alarm, he starts squirming and writhing.

Before you can dial 911 you hear it . . . ffffffrrrrppppppp fffrrrrpppp ffrrpp ffffrrrrrrrpppppp and then you smell it. Soon anyone in the vicinity starts gasping for air and flopping around the floor like fish.

What is it about libraries that make men gassy and have an overwhelming urge to drop a deuce? Really, this has been the case with more than one man in my life. The onset is rarely an innocuous little poof . . . oh no . . . books seem to induce a gaseous anomaly of immense proportions that develops into a microcosm of overwhelming stench.

So . . . what’s up with that??

This is my theory . . . it’s a kind of conditioning that stimulates a subconscious relaxation that affects the sphincter. Kind of like Pavlov's dogs . . . instead of drooling at the ringing of a bell . . . they defecate because of the scent of books. You know how men read on the potty? My hypothesis is that men’s butts associate books with pooping.

That’s my theory and, like a turd to TP, I’m sticking to it.

______________

Grilled Pastrami Melt with Balsamic Caramelized Onions

This sandwich is a taste sensation. The sweetness of the onions provides a nice contrast to the saltiness of the pastrami.

Start by making the caramelized onions

Extra virgin olive oil
1 Large Red Onion, Julienned
2 Tbsp Brown Sugar
Kosher Salt And Freshly Ground Black Pepper
1/4 Cup Good Quality Balsamic Vinegar

Heat a sauté pan large enough to hold all of the onions with a bit of olive oil over medium heat. Add the onions, sugar, salt & pepper and sauté until they just begin to color, tossing frequently.

Add the balsamic and stir or toss to combine. Cover, reduce the heat, and let cook for about 30-35 minutes, or until the onions have cooked down and caramelized deeply.

For the Grilled Pastrami Melt

2 Slices Rye Bread
2 Tbsp Butter - Separated
Spicy Brown Deli Mustard
Caramelized Onions
Lots of Thin Sliced Pastrami
2 Slices Swiss Cheese

Heat the pastrami in a pan with a little bit of water, or in a covered dish with a little water in the microwave, until it is steaming hot.

Heat the grill pan, a non-stick pan is best. Melt the butter and spread evenly over the surface of the pan. Place one slice of bread in the pan. Squirt mustard on the upside.

Add half as much pastrami as you would like. Place one slice of Swiss cheese on top of the bread.

Add the other half of the pastrami and top with another slice of Swiss cheese. Top with a second slice of rye bread.

Cook the sandwich over medium heat until the bottom piece of bread is golden brown. If the heat is too high, the bread will brown but the cheese won't melt.

With a spatula lift the sandwich out of the pan and melt some more butter. Carefully turn the sandwich over to cook the other side. Remove the top slice of bread and pile on the caramelized onions. Then replace the slice of bread.