Stuff by Cher

Firewater Friday - Drink of the Gods

2012-02-24T05:30:00.000-05:00

This week is vacation week . . . unfortunately for everyone else, as well. So much for a peaceful week in the White Mountains glutting on micro-brews and majestic snow covered mountain peaks. Don’t get me wrong . . . we are still imbibing quite ubiquitously on liquid bread but it’s not so quiet with all the invasive rugrats crunching crumbs and whatnot.

It amazes me how many parents drag their kids into bars and pubs when there are plenty of kid friendly places to be visit.

Not to be deterred, we will not sequester ourselves in our small but cozy room with our faces glued to our laptops and noses stuffed into a book . . . or Kindle, as it were . . . although we will make plenty of time for that as well.

The other day we ventured out to a local meadery owned and operated by a couple of young men in Center Ossipee, New Hampshire . . . the Sap House Meadery. Center Ossipee is by no means a bustling metropolis . . . it a quaint little town that is quiet in the winter time and teeming in the summer due to the plethora of lakes in the area. The Sap House is a small establishment located in what was once a local grocery.

Owners Ash Fischbein and Matt Trahan (from left)

Owners Ash Fischbein and Matt Trahan (from left)
As we walked in the door we were greeted warmly by a pleasant relaxed atmosphere and one of the proprietors, Ash Fishbein, who was offering up samples of his wares. We also met co-owner Matt Trahan and Mom.

At the time of our visit, the business has been in operation for just over a year. And, by the looks of things they are off to a great start. The presentation of their product is tasteful as are the contents they contain.

Like many of the businesses in this area, they make every effort to support the regional economy by using only locally produced ingredients for their meads. And, when that is not possible, they make sure that the ingredients are fair trade certified.

We did a sampling of their four main offerings and one seasonal. We were not disappointed. They were all quite different and delicious . . . not typical of the meads I’ve had in the past, the Sap House meads are less sweet and on the drer side.

Ash, mazer (slang for mead maker) extraordinaire and our bartender for the sampling . . . besides plying us with the lovingly made luscious liquid . . . regaled us with the history of mead and its primary ingredient honey.

If you’ve never had mead it’s very different from wine or beer. It is, in fact, a honey wine that is millennia old . . . archeological discoveries as far back as 8,000 to 12,000 B.C. At its simplest mead can be described as an alcoholic drink of fermented honey and water. Of course, modern mead makers have expanded the basic recipe. At the Sap House Meadery, they offer up a rich Vanilla Bean, smooth Sugar Maple, citrusy Hopped Blueberry and dry-ish pyment (which is made with a red wine grape juice) called Ossipioja . All in all . . . YUM!

Honey . . . the main ingredient in mead . . . has been forever used for food and medicinal purposes. As Ash describes it . . . the honeymoon has long been a wedding tradition. The honey in honeymoon comes from an old northern European custom in which newlyweds would, for a month, consume a daily cup of mead. It is thought that the honey would increase the chances of a boy child being conceived. If nothing else the intoxicating effects of the mead would surely encourage . . . uhm . . . sexy time.

Not surprisingly, mead was the preferred drink during the Meditteranean “Age of Gold” . . . however, interestingly enough, the word for drunk in classical Greek translates to "intoxicated with honey".

We walked out of the store feeling the pleasant effects of the mead and four bottles of the heavenly nectar. We were in no way dissatisfied. . . in fact, we were extremely impressed. Cheers guys!! We will be back.

New Brew Thursday - Angry Orchard Ciders

2012-02-23T05:30:00.000-05:00

We were hanging out and enjoying the night life of one of our favorite pubs, The Red Parka Steakhouse & Pub in Glen, NH. Besides the ever present live entertainment and their amazing food offerings they always have a plethora of beer on tap or in bottles and cans.

On our recent visit there I spotted a new tap in their line up . . . Angry Orchard Cider. We'd been beering it up already that day so I was in the mood for something different. I like hard cider and the name was intriguing . . . kind of like the Angry Birds of apples. Works for me!

Crisp apple was the variety on tap. I liked it! It was crisp, flavorful and not too sweet. Overall it was quite refreshing and exceedingly drinkable. In a word . . . YUM!

As I was sipping my drunken apples, I got to thinking about the origins of this cider . . . where it came from and who made it.

I'd never heard of Angry Orchard before, but I had visions of an modest family owned orchard branching out from producing batches of apple cider to bottling their old family recipe for hard cider.

I was a little off base there . . . well, quite a bit off base actually.

In quick order, my research lead me to discover that Angry Orchard is owned and operated by Boston Beer, Co . . . makers of a better known product line Samuel Adams. Boston Beer Co quietly launched this new line in their multitudes of brews in 2011 with little fuss or fan fare.

Don't get me wrong . . . I like Sam Adams beer. They just can't be considered one of the little guys anymore. And the imagery my brain concocted of a small, locally owned micro-brewery was blown right out of the water . . . right out of the Boston Harbor, actually.

They currently have three varieties . . . Traditional Dry, Crisp Apple and Apple Ginger. ABV - 5%

As a side note, if it is of any consequence to you, Angry Orchard Ciders are both gluten-fee and Kosher certified.

The verdict? I liked it . . . a lot. Would I recommend it? Yes.

Cheers!

New Brew Thursday

2012-02-23T03:00:00.000-05:00

I’m kind of a beer aficionado . . . that is, I enjoy avariety of styles and flavors of brews. WhenI see something new I actively seek it out to try it. Hubby and I both log our beer drinkingactivities on Untappd.com which is a social network for beer enthusiasts.

Don't get me wrong . . . I don't claim to be an expert on beer. I just know what I like . . . and don't like.

Also I am . . . by no means . . . a beer snob. I'm as happy to drink a cheap-o mass produced beer as I am a $25 a bottle limited edition micro-brew. It depends on the where and when and what for of the beer drinking situation.

Untappd has badges for different things . . . drinking acertain number of dark beers, or drinking a beer at the brewery where it ismade, or on a drinking holiday and so on and so forth. They have a badge for what they call New BrewThursday . . . which is if you consume a new (to you) beer three Thursdays in a thirty day period you get a badge . . . and then a different degree ofbadge going forward.

This has been a motivator . . . albeit a minor one . . . totry new and interesting beers . . . on Thursdays.

In an effort to share my experiences with the new andinteresting brews we are enjoying I’ve decided to do a post on Thursdaysreviewing the beers we drank the previous week.

I hope you can take some of my experiences and apply thatknowledge to future beer purchases and consumption.

Cheers!

You are a sad strange little man . . . and you have my pity

2012-02-22T05:30:00.000-05:00

When my son was a wee one he had a love affair with BuzzLightyear. He wasn't in love with Buzzper se . . . he was Buzz.

He would sit and watch Toy Story movies over and over again .. . getting the moves down and getting his inner Buzz on.

It was really cute . . . for a while.

He was in preschool at the time and they didn’t do anythingto dissuade his alter ego. In fact, they encouraged it . . . for a while.

It got to the point where you couldn’t tell him he wasn’this super hero . . . er . . . hero. Hewas Buzz Lightyear . . . “I’m not Eddie,” he would say. “I am Buzz Lightyear. Toinfinity and beyond!.”

Like I said, it was cute . . . for a while.

During that time period Halloween came and wonder of wonders. . . he was Buzz Lightyear. And this timehe had the costume to prove it.

So, not only did he have the Buzz persona down pat but hehad the look.

Months, maybe even a year or more, this went on. By now it’s getting old.

His preschool teachers told me it had to stop because it wasdisrupting the class and riling up the other kids. I thought to myself, “you nutters encouraged the kid and now that it becomes a problem and I’mthe one to have to put a stop to it.”

So the arguments began . . . you’d think it would be easy .. . you know how gullible kids can be. Yeah right . . . the kid inherited his mother’s and his father’s stubbornness. It wasn’t easy.

The deprogramming went something like this. First off . . . no more Toy Story movies . .. .period. Second . . . the costumemysteriously disappeared. Then the sitdown conversations . . .

Me, “You’re not Buzz Lightyear.”

Him, “I am BuzzLightyear.”

Me, “You’re not Buzz Lightyear.”

Him, “I am BuzzLightyear.”

Me, “You’re not Buzz Lightyear.”

Him, “I AM BuzzLightyear.”

You get the point. Oneday he was Buzz and the next day he wasn’t. Personally, I don’t think I did or said anything to convince him he wasn’tweird shaped spaceman. I think he justgrew out of it.

And, then suddenly he was Luke Skywalker.

Ah . . . the joys ofparenthood.

Quick Fried Cabbage With Egg

1/2 Small Cabbage
1 Medium Onion
1 Tablespoon Butter
3 Slices Bacon, Crumbled
2 Eggs
2 Tablespoons
Salt, Pepper or Seasoned Salt

Finely slice the cabbage and onion. Heat the butter in a pan and fry the onion until soft. Add the cabbage. Cover and reduce heat to low and fry for a further 10 minutes. Remove cover add bacon and fry for 3 minutes. Beat the eggs pour them over the cabbage. Stir until the eggs have set. Stir in the cream cheese and serve.

Though we adore men individually, we agree that as a group they're rather stupid.

2012-02-21T05:30:00.000-05:00

Ladies, have you ever noticed that when you ask a man to getsomething for you it seems he can never seem to find it? Whether it be milk from the refrigeratoror a stamp to mail a letter.

It’s called man eyes and they all seem to have the sameproblem.

You know how it is . . . you send him to get it and chancesare pretty high that he won’t be able to find it.

I have theory on this phenomenon.

This is what I believe happens. You ask with a please and a thank you and allother manner of politeness. Then suddenly,without inexplicably the man is struck blind . . . selectively blind . . . man eyes.

He can maneuver about without bumping into walls or fallingover furniture but as he approaches his target his vision is suddenly impaired. . . its kind of like reverse tunnel vision.

My experience has been that its just easier to go and getwhatever it is I need for myself.

And that, girlfriends, is what it all boils down to. it’s not that they can’t see . . . it’s that they won’tsee.

If they do it enough times they know that you willeventually give up and stop asking them to do anything for you. It’s a conspiracy at the highest levels ofmanly deception.

And all you men out there?? We are on to you!

Mormon PeachCobbler

The fruit, usually immersed in a sweet syrup, istraditionally covered with a biscuit topping so that it has the rough, unevenappearance of cobblestones—hence the name “cobblers”.

Preheat the ovento 350 degrees.

Fruit Mixture

1 29 Ounce SizeCan Of Sliced Peaches In Syrup

1 TablespoonCornstarch

1/2 TeaspoonCinnamon

1/4 TeaspoonNutmeg

Drain the juiceinto a saucepan. Mix a little of the juice with cornstarch to make a softpaste and add the paste to the rest of the juice. Add the spices.

Heat until bubbly,stirring as needed. The syrup should thicken to a slurry.

Pour the slurry andpeaches into a small casserole dish.

Topping

1 Egg

1/3 Cup Milk

4 TablespoonsButter, Melted

1 Cup Flour

1/4 Cup Sugar

2 Teaspoons BakingPowder

1/4 Teaspoon Salt

In a medium bowl,whisk the butter, milk, and egg together. Add the sugar and stir.

Combine the dryingredients and add them to the liquid mixture. Stir until wellcombined.

Spoon over thepeach mixture so that the fruit is covered.

Bake for 45minutes or until the top is a golden brown.

Serve hot or cold withvanilla ice cream or even cold milk or crème anglaise.

Though we adore men individually, we agree that as a group they're rather stupid.

Mary Poppins

Play is the exultation of the possible

2012-02-20T05:30:00.000-05:00

So there I was . . . a kid; dumb, susceptible,gullible. There was my older sister . .. in a word . . . evil. Okay, that may be over exaggerating onlyslightly . . . I wasn't all that dumb . .. . no wait, yes I was. Hehehe . . . Okay, okay to be fair she wasn’t exactly evil . . . maybe justa little bad. Or perhaps she was simply jealous of her younger, cuter sister who would always be younger AND cuter . . . it's understandable.

So there we were . . . in the basement doing whatever it isthat stupid, wicked little girls do in basements . . . probably playing house,or candy land or some other insidious game. When all of a sudden . . . looming large . . . it was there. . . the clothes dryer. With its gaping mouthenticing some poor young child with its sinister carnival ride possibilities.

Really, from a kid's point of view, how awesome would that be? It's warm and goes round and round . . . fun stuff!

Of course, being a silly dumb child, I didn't think about the fins poking out of the drum and how painful it would be as I tumbled around in there getting whacked and thwacked by them. Nope . . . I didn't think of that at all.

Viciously encouraged by my older sister I climbed on in. From inside I could hear my sister fumbling around with the operation knobs and then I was moving. It quickly went from fun to owie, owie, ouchie OW . . . let me oooouuuuuuttttttt!.

From my perspective, I think she waited a tad to long to let me out.

Bruised and battered but no worse for wear I climbed from the cylindrical torture chamber never to contemplate that particular adventure again.

Ah . . . childhood . . . good times, good times.

Crème Anglaise

1 Cup Half-n-Half

1 2-Inch Piece Vanilla Bean, Split

3 Large Egg Yolks

3 TablespoonsSugar

Combine milk and cream in heavy medium saucepan. Scrape in seeds from vanilla bean; add bean. Bring milk mixture to simmer. Remove from heat.

Whisk egg yolks and sugar in medium bowl to blend. Gradually whisk hot milk mixture into yolk mixture. Return custard to saucepan. Stir over low heat until custard thickens and leaves path on back of spoon when finger is drawn across, about 5 minutes (do not boil). Strain sauce into bowl. Cover and chill.

Play is the exultation of the possible.
Martin Buber

I don't care how . . . I want it NOW!

2012-02-18T11:48:00.000-05:00

This weekend starts a week of fresh air, beer swilling, nobrain cell using vacation. Our escapesfrom the reality of our day to day lives are pretty laid back, but this onewill be epically relaxiating.

Even so, there are always arrangements to be made . . . andI do the all the prep work. It makesthings oh-so-much easier with no input from hubby. Basically, because he freaks out at theslightest little thing . . . . the result of which being that if he gets stressed out the threats of vacationbeing cancelled erupt. Let’s face it he’sa big freakin’ baby. But he’s mine and Ilove him.

I pack my clothes, provide him with a basket of pre sortedclothing to choose from for him to pack (it gives him the feeling that he’scontributed to getting ready for the trip), gather snacks, coffee fixins andthe like. That way everything is readyto go when . .. . well . . . we’re ready to go.

This time the loading of the truck went flawlessly . . .everything in its place, nothing amiss and . . . most remarkable . . . no hissyfits. It was really and trulyamazing. In the interest of full disclosure. . . he did forget his coat but we were only a couple blocks away from homewhen he realized it and it was a quick turn about and retrieval with verylittle excitement.

The trip itself was as good as it gets. We hit the usual traffic in the usual spotsbut nothing major and we made the drive from Connecticut to the White Mountainsof New Hampshire in 4 ½ hours . . . not bad considering it’s taken us as longas 8 hours . . . but typically around 6.

We arrived at the motel . . . the White Trellis . . . ourhome away from home. What we see when wepull into the parking lot sets the tone for the next hour or so . . . some wasparked in his . . . yes his . . . parking space. You see, this place is really is our home away from home and we have our ownroom . . . really! Room #8? Yeah, that’s ours every time we visit .. . which is several times a year. There are assigned spaces for each room andsome Masshole was parked in ours. Now,take into consideration, it is winter there is snow on the ground, it was darkand you can’t see the space markers. It mattersnot . . . car . . . in his space . . . a travesty. Thus begins the downward spiral topoopheadedness. Me? I’m all like whatever there’s another spacejust as close to our room . . . premium parking, in fact.

We got out of the truck only to be greeted by our cheerfulinnkeeper, Mary. She showers us withhugs and kisses prior to taking our credit card and giving us the password forthe wireless internet connection.

While I’m paying the bill, he begins unloading thetruck. We haven’t seen Mary for a fewmonths and there is much to catch up. It’slate and all I want to do is settle in and have a beer and relax. By the time I manage to say good night, hubbyhas the truck unloaded and well on his way to grumpiness. “I could’ve used a little help,” says he.

I roll my eyes and help bring the rest of our stuff into theroom which he has piled outside the door.

As a side note . . . any place we stay the minimumrequirements are a clean room and access to the interwebs . . . not much elsematters.

We got into the room and it was like 80,000 degrees inthere. A new digital thermostats hadbeen installed with the controls locked out and we couldn’t adjust thetemperature. The grumpiness level is beginningto spike. But, he hacked it soon enoughand that crisis was over.

Whew.

However, we he tries to get his laptop connected to thewireless router it won’t connect. Keep inmind that I booted up MY laptop, plugged in the password and I was surfing theworld wide web right off the bat. Also, besideshis laptop he brought his tablet and he got that connected right off, aswell. And his mobile phone has internetaccess. He’s got a plethora oftechnology at his fingertips. But hecouldn’t get his laptop online and the world was coming to an end.

“That’s it”, says he “I’m going home.” (Really he said that!)

Incredulously I say, “You’re going home? Right now?”

“Yes.”

“You have internet access. You can Facebook, read blogs and catch up on the news to your heart’scontent . . . what’s the problem.”

“I can’t play my games on the tablet . . . it’s slower thandirt.”

Okay . . . we’re in the White Mountainssurrounded by majestic beauty, marvelous brew pubs and stuff to do no matterwhere you go and HE is worried that he won’t get the high score in Bejeweled Blitzor Zuma. Can you say addicted??

Picture this . . . an 8 year old child stomping his foot andcrying, “I’m taking my toys and I’m going home.” That will give you an accurate picture of thetantrum I was facing. I decided the bestcourse of action was to ignore him and he’d get over it. So, I just continued enjoying my beer and browsingthe web. He finally got his laptop connected and all was right with the world.

We wake up the next morning to a blue sky filled with poofywhite clouds and a view of snow spattered mountains. Not a bad way to start to the day.

in lieu of an apology, he justified his fit of tempersaying, “In my defense, everything went perfectly getting here.” Like that in any way justified him acting like a big giant baby with a droopy,poopy diaper and a raging case of diaper rash.

Welcome to my world.

Firewater Friday - People think you can't be clever if you have breasts

2012-02-17T05:30:00.000-05:00

There once was a man from Nantucket. . . no really . . . there was. Butthat has nothing to do with this blog post.

What it IS aboutis two whacked out chicks with impressive chumbawumbas. Not extraordinary merely for their robust(get it . . . bust) size but for whattheir gazongas have done for them.

This is about good jahoobies versus evil knockers.

A Floridawoman was recently busted for drivingwhile intoxicated. But . . . accordingto her . . . it wasn’t her alcoholconsumption that caused her to recklessly operate her motor vehicle. Oh no . . . it was her num-nums!

When the police officer informed her that he wanted toperform a field sobriety test she asserted that it would not be possible forher to pass such an examination stating that her “big boobies”

cause her to beoff balance.

In the official report to police officer wrote, “When I toldher we were going to do some roadside tasks she told me that I needed tounderstand that she is big chested and if I asked her to close her eyes andbalance she is not going to balance well," he went on to write "WhenI told her she had to keep her hands at her side she stated hell no not withthese. Telling me again she can't do it, not with her big boobies.”

The fact that she reeked of booze, was staggering around andcouldn’t talk straight was reason enough to book her. That and the glass of “tea” the deputy foundin her car that smelled suspiciously like hootch.

She offered to show the policeman her ta-ta’s. He declined.

In other news, a different woman driver claims her 38KKK hooterssaved her from death when she wrecked her car.

The proud bearer of the world’s largest breast implantsclaims that her ginormous milkmakers spared her from an early demise by actingas secondary airbags when she lost control of her car and rammed into a tree.

She was cited for operating a motor vehicle while intoxicatedand for not wearing a seat belt. Sheclaims that she does not drink alcohol; however, she admitted to taking drugsfor various ailments including backaches . . . you think those back pains mayhave something to do with the fact that her cha-chas are the size ofbasketballs?

Hmmm . . .

Slow Comfortable Screw

1 Oz. Vodka

1 Oz.Southern Comfort

1 Oz. SloeGin

5 Oz. OrangeJuice

Add all ingredients to a cocktail shaker half-packed with ice. Shake, shake, shake . . . Pour into a glass filled with ice.

People think you can't be clever if you have breasts.
Kelly Brook

Whip it! Whip it good!

2012-02-16T05:30:00.000-05:00

What's with the kids these days? They think they're so darned smart . . . impertinent . . . lazy . . . ne'er do wells. A bunch-a whipper snappers, all of 'em.

Interestingly . . . the meaning of whipper snapper has never strayed far from it's origins.

It started all the way back then . . . like 400 years ago. Yup, kids were slackers then too, just like they are now. But instead of sequestering themselves with their computers playing World of Warcraft or Skyrim they cracked whips. No kidding! They did.

Just like today kids, in the big cities of the 17th centurywould loiter about and annoy passers by. . . whipper snappers were so called because of their penchant for standing around on street corners all day, idly snapping whips in a misguided attempt to command attention and respect. The fuddy-duddies of the day started calling them “whipper-snappers”.

Fact is stranger than fiction . . .

Cheesy Beanie - Weanie Casserole

I made this recipe up from stuff I had hanging out in my pantryand fridge. It’s quick, easy and reallyreally nomdillyicious

1 Package Hot Dogs

2 Cans Baked Beans

2 Cups ShreddedCheddar Cheese

1 Tube Crescent Rolls

Heat oven to 350degrees. Slice hot dogs into 1/2 inch pieces. In a saucepan mix the hot dogsand beans together and heat until warmed through. Put in casserole dish and top withcheese. Lay the crescent rolls on top.Bake 30 minutes. Enjoy.

Turn the other cheek

2012-02-15T05:30:00.000-05:00

Hubby and I live in a small condo. Our unit is sandwiched right smack dab in themiddle of a bunch of other units.

I think we’re good neighbors. We keep to ourselves, we don’t bother anybody. . . frankly, we don’t give a flippin’ flop what any one is doing or how theylive their lives.

We do, however, have a few neighbors who seem bent onannoying the bajoopies out of us and basically making our lives miserable.

And, it’s been that way since the day I moved in. That was over 12 years ago . . . I was singleand on my own for the first time in my life. Obviously, I was very excited to have my very own place. I had a small porch with a sliding glassdoor off my bedroom. One of the first things I bought was a windchime to hang on that porch. Not a bigclunky gongy thing but a delicate tinkly one . . . it was, by no means,obnoxious.

The point is, my sweet little wind chime wasn’t danglingfrom my eaves for more than a few hours when the president of the condo associationwas knocking on my door telling me it had to come down because my next doorneighbor had complained about the “noise”.

And so it began . . .

Because no one was going to get the best of me . . . I hungsaid wind chime inside my front window with a fan blowing on it so that my newneighbors could continue to enjoy the chiming experience.

Mess with me willyou? Yeah well, you just go and try it!

So, that set the tone for the years to come.

There have been many other incidents . . . too many to innumerate. . . and most of them because of the obnoxiousness of our drunkard neighbornext door who apparently has nothing better to do with his time but harass us.

So, when he gets falling down drunk and an ambulance has tocome to haul his inebriated ass off to the hospital to detox we make sure togive him a little wave to send him on his way.

Turn the other cheek, I always say! The other buttcheek!

Baked Egg Cups

12 Eggs

12 Thin Slices ofDeli Ham (Round)

1/2 Cup of YourFavorite Cheese

1/2 Cup Diced Scallions

Fresh Cracked SeaSalt and Pepper

Preheat the ovento 400. Spray a muffin tin with cooking spray. Lay a piece of hamin each hole creating a little ham cup. Crack one egg into each hole andsprinkle with salt and pepper.

Bake the eggs forabout 12 minutes…until the white is firm and the yolk is still nice and runny. (15 minutes for a "well done" egg)

Carefully removeeach egg from the muffin tin and top with grated cheese and scallions. Serve hot! Yield: 12

A Valentine's Day special blog post . . . the best kiss ever

2012-02-14T05:30:00.000-05:00

The best kiss ever . . .

It was our wedding day. The day was bright, sunny, windy. There was a nary a path leading to the spot just up ahead where my groomand the minister were waiting for me.

Surrounded by family members, friends, acquaintances, I walk to the man Iwanted to spend the rest of my life with. I take his hand and we look into each other’s eyes. The minister does his spiel . . . all goodand relevant but only the prologue to our future. Then he says it . . . “you may kiss thebride”.

I turn to my husband. He wraps his fingers into my hair and draws me closer. And then . . . the kiss. Holy crikies! I don’t know what made it so awesome . . . so memorable. Was it the moment? Was it him? The hair tugging?

I don’t know. Otherthan my first real kiss . . . oh yeah, I remember that one; it was up there inits goodness and quite delicious. But Ican’t remember any other kiss before or since that rocked my world like thatone singular moment.

Any girl should be so lucky for a smoocher like that.

Yup, you’re jealous.

Bacon Wrapped Pork Tenderloin

1 Pork Tenderloin,Cleaned and Trimmed

5 Slices of Bacon

1 Teaspoon TonyChachere’s Creole Seasoning

Olive Oil

Rub seasoning all over the pork tenderloin. Wrap pork with baconand place in a 9x13 pan. Take your oliveoil and coat well. Bake uncovered in a375 to 400 oven for 45 to 60 minutes, or until pork reaches about 155°. Makesure the bacon is nice and crispy. Remove and wrap in foil. Let stand for 10minutes before slicing. This pork tenderloin recipe serves 2 to 4.

A joke is a very serious thing

2012-02-13T10:30:00.000-05:00

My part time job is tending bar aprivate club. Mostly everyone who hangs out there knows each other prettywell. There's a lot of playful banter and the more than occasionalpractical joke.

There are three televisions mountedstrategically throughout the room so that no matter where you’re sitting in thebar you should have a view of at least one of them. the remote controls are available so that thepatrons can select whatever channel they want to watch.

There is an ongoing prank betweentwo of the regulars where one of the guys changes the channel on the televisionthat the other guys is watching.

Its all harmless goofiness . . .just a couple of all growed up men acting like little kids. It’s what they do and they do it quite well,actually . . . acting like kids.

On one occasion it got ugly. An innocent bystander accidentally got caughtin the crossfire.

This unsuspecting innocent wassimply enjoying a NASCAR race while sipping his beer.

It was the final lap. The lead cars were neck and neck . . . or bumperto bumper, as it were. It was an intensemoment . . . it was anyone’s race. When allof a sudden . . . **click** . . . weather channel.

This generally calm, low key guy freakedthe *&#% out!

By the time the prankster got the channelback to the race it was all over. The finalmoment of the race was passed. Of coursethere was instant replay after instant replay displayed from every possibleangle . . . but it didn’t matter. Thedamage was done.

Needless to say the innocent victimwas not happy in the slightest. . . he started cussing and slinging insults. For weeks. . . nay months after the incidenthe was not happy. His ire remainedintact and focused.

The prankster made sure that theinnocent had a nice cold beer waiting for him when he came in and still he wasSir Grumps-a-lot.

Everybody was like . . . dude, letit go.

He finally has . . . calm has beenrestored. And the channel changing trickscontinue.

Baked Chili Macaroni And Cheese

1 Lb Macaroni Pasta
2 Cups Shredded Cheddar Cheese
1/2 Cup Sour Cream
2 Cans Hormel Chili
½ Cup Bread Crumbs
½ Cup Shredded Cheddar Cheese

Preheat an oven to 350 degrees F. Butter a 9x13 baking dish.

Fill a small saucepan with water, and bring to a boil. Stir in the macaroni; boil until cooked but still firm to the bite, about 8 minutes. Drain well, and reserve.

In the same saucepan, melt the butter over medium-high heat. Stir the shredded cheese into the cooked macaroni. Then stir in the chili. Finally, stir in the sour cream. Spoon the macaroni and cheese into the prepared dish. Sprinkle with bread crumbs and 1/2 tablespoon cheddar cheese.

Bake, uncovered, until the cheese is melted and the macaroni is heated through, about 20 minutes.

A joke is a very serious thing.

Winston Churchill

Snippits from our wedding

2012-02-11T13:07:00.002-05:00

Firewater Friday - Did you ever flashy-thing me?

2012-02-10T05:30:00.000-05:00

Has this ever happened to you . . . you walk into a room forsome reason or another . . . to do something or to get something or something andyou totally forget what that somethingwas? Like it never was a thought in youbrain?

Yeah, it happens to me all the time.

For the longest time I thought it was me. You know, like I’m getting older or did toomany drugs or some such thing.

But then I realized it wasn’t me! My deteriorating hippocampus and diminishingbrain cells are not to blame for this recurring phenomenon!!

When I came to this conclusion I can tell youthe relief was palpable.

It’s not me! It’saliens! Seriously! It’s the only thing that makes sense.

You see . . . this is how it is. Let’s say that I walk into the kitchen for asnack. I have a rumble in my tummy and apurpose when I walk into that room. WhenI get there I’m like . . . “what was I doing?”

What actually happened is that when I got into the kitchenthere were little green men wreaking havoc . . . pilfering my food and ravagingthe cat. All of a sudden two men bust into save the day . . . a struggle ensues and the aliens are vanquished. Before I can utter a word of gratitude one ofthe men whips out a flashy thingy and neuralyzes my brain.

This also explains why my kitchen is so messy.

Alien Brain Hemorrhage Cocktail

Fill a shot glass halfway with peach schnapps.

Gently pour Bailey's Irish Cream on top.

After the shot is almost full, carefully add a small amount of blue curacao.

After it settles, add a small splash (or a few drops) of grenadine syrup.

Here's how I did it . . .

Jay: Did you ever flashy-thing me?

Kay: No.

Jay: I ain't playing with you, K. Did you ever flashy-thing me?

Kay: No.

What has been seen cannot be unseen

2012-02-09T05:30:00.000-05:00

I see things . . . things floating within my field of vision. . . weird things . . . wormy things.

I noticed them a few years ago. I see more and more of them astime passes. They’re dim . . . not quitein focus. But they are most definitely there. . . just hanging around.

What are they? Incorporeal beings trying to contact me fromthe great beyond? No . . . I don’t thinkso.

They're transparent and have inertia, some of them are tightand some are loose.

They seem to be inside my head . . . in my eyes. MYEYES! Could it be? Could the possibly be brain munching parasitic slugs?

I went to an eye doctor and he didn't know what the hell Iwas talking about. Do you know what the hell I am talking about??

Have you ever seenfloating worm shapes in front of your eyes? If you have you’re not going crazy and your brain is not being consumedby parasites. It’s actually quitecommon.

Those floaty things are innocuous little fragments ofdetritus and clumps of cells suspended in the vitreous humor . . . that gooeystuff inside your eyeballs.

They may look like specks, strands, webs or othershapes. You can often see them when looking at a plain background, like a blankwall or blue sky. They're calledfloaters, everyone has them, and they are quite harmless.

Most often floaters are just annoying. Unless they are visually disabling you shouldjust learn to live with them. Avoid focussingon those floaty bits . . . look through them.

If you’ve never seen them . . . I bet you will now. You can thank me later. :P

Guinness Beef Stew (Crock Pot)

3 Large Russet Potatoes, Peeled, Quartered

4 Carrots, Peeled, Sliced Into Thick Chunks

2 Parsnips, Peeled, Sliced Into Thick Chunks

2 Stalks Celery, Cut In Chunks

3 Bay Leaves

3 Lbs Stew Meat, Cubed

1/2 Cup Flour

1 Teaspoon Creole Seasoning ( Tony Chachere's)

2 -3 Tablespoons Olive Oil

1 Medium Onions, Diced

4 Large Garlic Cloves, Minced

2 (8 Ounce) Cans Crushed Tomatoes

10 3/4 Ounces Beef Broth

1 (13 G) Envelope Lipton Onion Soup Mix

1 (13 G) Envelope Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing Mix

1 Teaspoon Creole Seasoning ( Tony Chachere's)

1 Teaspoon Italian Herb Seasoning ( Mrs. Dash)

12 Ounces Beer ( Guinness, Draught Or Stout)

1 Cup Frozen Peas, If Desired

Put potato, carrot, parsnip and celery chunks in the bottomof crock pot. Top with 2 bay leaves.

Season flour with 1 teaspoon creole seasoning and coat thebeef with the flour mixture.

Heat a couple of tbsp of olive oil over med-high heat in alarge skillet and add 1 bay leaf.

Sauté beef in batches, just until browned. Add more oil topan as necessary for each batch. Add to crock pot as beef is browned.

Add onion and garlic to the same pan and sauté over med heatfor a few minutes, then add about half the can of beef broth to deglaze,scraping up the brown bits on the bottom of the pan.

Add onions to crock pot.

Mix remaining beef broth with tomatoes, onion soup mix, ranchdressing mix, remaining seasonings, and add to crock pot. Pour in most ofbottle of beer (whatever fits)

Cook 8 hours on low heat. Stir in frozen peas when done,they'll heat up on their own.

Serve with crusty French bread!

Blow It Out Your Bunghole!

2012-02-08T05:30:00.000-05:00

After reading this post from my blog, hubby offered up aninteresting factoid. Of course its buttrelated . . . isn't it always?

I thought I knewwhat a bunghole was. The best example Ican think of is from Beavis and Butthead . . . “I am the Great Cornholio, I need TP formy bunghole” . . . oh, don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talkingabout.

Well, thanks to Mike Judge, that's what a lot of people think of when they hear the word 'bunghole'.

In actuality, is a bunghole really is related to butts . . . scuttlebutts, that is. A bung is a stopper, often a cork plug. Basically, you shove the bung in the scuttle to keep the butt from leaking.

Another fun fact . . . the terms bung and bunghole have been used as slang for anus as early as the 13th century.

Creamy Penne Pasta And Chicken

2 Chicken Breasts, Cut Into Bite Size Pieces

2 1/2 Cups Penne Pasta, Cooked As Directed

4 Tablespoons Butter

1 Garlic Clove, Crushed

1/3 Cup Onion, Sliced

1/4 Teaspoon Salt

4 Tablespoons Flour

1 (15 Oz.) Can Or 2 Cups Chicken Broth

1/2 Cup Sour Cream, Yogurt, Half-N-Half Or Whole Milk

1/2 Teaspoon Salt

1/8 Teaspoon Pepper

Red Pepper Flakes, Optional

4 Ounces Sundried Tomatoes, Sliced

8 Ounces Shredded Parmesan Cheese

In a large skillet brown the chicken in two tablespoonsolive oil. Drain and set aside.

While the penne is cooking, melt butter in a medium saucepan. Cook garlic, sundried tomatoes andonions with 1/4 teaspoon salt, over medium heat, until onions havesoftened.

Puree onion mixture in a food processor or blender untilchunky smooth. Move sauce back to pan. Add flour and cook 1 to 2 minutes, stirringconstantly.

Add the chicken to the pan. Stir in broth, stirring frequently until sauce comes to simmer. Remove from heat.

Then stir in the sour cream until it has melted. Then mix in the shredded cheese. Be sure the pasta is well drained, and thenmove to a large serving bowl. Pour sauceover hot pasta, toss until well mixed. Allow to stand a few minutes before serving,so sauce can thicken. Top with shredded cheese, if desired.

I believe water-cooler talk - unless it's about me.

2012-02-07T05:30:00.000-05:00

Unfortunately, I have to work for a living. The equivalent of the office water cooler issituated around the corner from my cubby. Like most work places there’sgossip galore . . . sometimes more yak, yak, yakking than work, work, working. The gosspimongerers in my office tend to not followthe unwritten guidelines for workplace chit chat of gathering around the watercooler to engage in their nattering; they’re more like free-range blatherers.

Personally, I don’t participate in the nosy-parkering. I couldn’t care less about who is doing whatto whom or about such & such and so & so involving you know what.

I never get what all the scuttlebutt is about anyway . . .really, who cares?

I DO! Well, not so much about the gossip. . . but about scuttlebutt. What in theheck is a scuttlebutt? I’ve heard a buttscuttle but . . . I digress.

A scuttle is a small opening and a butt is a large cask . .. combine the two and you have a small hole cut into a cask or barrel to allowindividual cups of water to be drawn out. A scuttlebutt was typically located on a ship’sdeck and was a sailor’s source of drinking water and gossip.

A furphy (furfie) is the Australian equivalent ofscuttlebutt. It also has the sameslangular connotation. A furphy was awater cart used to supply water to Australian troops during World War I. Just like water coolers and scuttlebutts,furphies became popular as gathering places where soldiers could share rumorsand hearsay.

I’m not telling tales out of school . . . I'm just edumacating y'all. Now that you're all learned up . . .

Beefy Mac Recipe

1 Medium Chopped Onion

1 Pound Lean Ground Beef

1 Tablespoon Vegetable Oil

16 Ounces Elbow Macaroni

2 Cans Kidney Beans, Drained

1 Large Can Chopped Tomatoes

1 Teaspoon Salt

2 Cups Shredded Cheddar Cheese

1 Cup Shredded Parmesan Cheese

In a large skillet, brown ground beef. Drain and set aside. In the same skillet brown onion. Add kidney beans, tomatoes, macaroni and salt. Cover and simmer for 15 minutes. Add shreddedcheeses; cover and continue to heat until cheese is melted.

I can't look. Could somebody please cover my eyes?

2012-02-06T05:30:00.000-05:00

Fellow blogger and all around groovy dude, Jay G, wrote a review on Jurassic Park that I have to say I disagree with . . .

MArooned: MArooned Five Second Movie Review

First of all, I like the movie . . . it's fun dinasaurie goodness. Secondly, and most importantly, if it wasn't for this scene from Jurassic Park . . .

. . . we would never have had this scene from Toy Story . . .

THAT, my friends, is all.

Salt and Vinegar Broiled Potatoes

2 Large Russet Potatoes

2 Cups White Vinegar

Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Kosher Salt

Pepper

Sliced potatoes lengthwise to 1/4-inch thickness.

In a small pot, combine the potato slices and vinegar. Bringto a boil, then lower the heat and simmer until fork-tender, about 8 minutes.Let cool in liquid for 15 minutes. Then drain well and blot dry with papertowels.

Preheat the broiler with a rack about 6 inches below theheat source. Dump the potato slices into a bowl, sprinkle very generously witholive oil, salt and pepper, and toss to coat. Arrange the potato slices in asingle layer. Broil until lightly browned on top, about 7 minutes. Then flipthe slices and broil until the underside is lightly browned, about 5 minutesmore. Serve warm.

I can't look. Could somebody please cover my eyes?
Rex

Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner, fudge is made.

2012-02-04T05:30:00.000-05:00

This is a TMI post .. . fair warning.

The alarm clock goes off at 5:00 A.M. on workdays. The first thing I do when I get out of bed isfeed the cat . . . because there is no peace in the house if she doesn’t gether noms. The second thing I do is goto the potty . . . oh stop it, you know you do to; maybe even before you feedyour kitty or puppy or gerbil or whatever.

Well, the other morning I woke up way too early with anurgent . . . er . . . need to do a . . . uhm . . . dookie. It would not bedenied

So I hauled my ass out of bed . . . fed the Fuzz . . . and did what it wasthat I had to do.

And then I got this message from hubby . . .

Yes, yes . . . we IM each other. Whatever.

Anyhoo . . . that got me to thinking . . . yup even at 5:30 in the morning my brain is a-rockin' and a-rollin. ANYhoo . . . I was wondering whether it was acceptable in any culture for a spouse to poop on their hunny-bunny. I didn't find anything referring to that . . . thank God!

I never said I was thinking straight!

But, I found something just about as bad . . . or worse. Apparently, some poopheads find it okay to take a dump in theshower. I’m not talking about washingaway dingleberries. I’m talking a fullon poop.

Ask PoopReport: My Very Repulsive Husband

Submitted by Crazydaisy

Yesterday morning I walked in the bathroom and was hit with the stench of poo. I looked in the toilet. Nothing. I looked around the toilet. Nothing. I looked all over the floor. Nothing. So I took some bathroom cleaner and sprayed the whole toilet down and cleaned it; but when I went back later, it was still stinky. I could NOT figure out where the HECK the smell came from. Then, late last night, I happened to glance in the shower and see a small wad of hair (mine, cause I shed) blocking the drain. I reached down and pulled it up, but it was stuck, so I tugged, and then tugged some more, and then out comes three big balls of poop attached to the hair!!!

I was HORRIFIED!! I threw it back on the shower drain and ran.

I told my husband. He told me (as he was LAUGHING!) that the poop was his. He threw his back out and couldn't reach very good to wipe, so when he took a shower he had danglies and they got washed down the drain. He took his big toe and pushed them through the drain.

Except that the residue was way more than a couple of cling-ons. It looked like he pooped in the shower and then squished it down the drain to dispose of the evidence.

How long has he been doing this??

And yes, there is an actual website called http://www.poopreport.com. And then I found this poll on http://isitnormal.com:

And then I found this on http://www.experienceproject.com:

Seriously, you can't make this sh!t up!

Just because the shower is in the bathroom, doesn't make it a toilet. Just sayin'.

Firewater Friday - Have you ever laughed so hard that your drink came out your nose ...

2012-02-03T04:43:00.000-05:00

My hubby and I are so often on the same wavelength . . . thinking and saying the same things at the same time . . . that it's sometimes scary.

The other night it was like we were connected by a Vulcan (or Romulan) mind meld. At one point we said something at the exact same moment and I was like "Wonder Twins power activate!" and we fist bumped.

<< Please note how much the Twins look like Vulcans (or Romulans)

You know how the Wonder twins always have some bizarro power they summon? Well, thepower he selected was Dyson Suction. That's some serious power!!

After we activated our Wonder Twins power, hubby went on to tell me about a story he had read about another pair of twins.

Woman In Love With Fiance's Twin Is Now In Double Trouble

By Abigail Van Buren | Dear Abby – Wed, Feb 1, 2012

DEAR ABBY: I am 26 and have been dating "Mike" for four years. We met in our senior year of college and recently became engaged. I'm looking forward to being married and starting a family, but there's one "small" problem. I'm in love with Mike's identical twin brother, "Matt."

Mike and Matt are identical in appearance, but Matt is funnier, more outgoing and affectionate than my fiance. I didn't know he existed until a year ago because they had a falling out at their high school graduation and didn't reconcile until recently.

When I met Matt, I knew right away he was the one for me, but I continued dating Mike because I didn't want to ruin his re-established relationship with his brother. Matt reciprocates my feelings. He has told me he's in love with me and wants to date me.

I know I shouldn't have accepted Mike's proposal, but I don't want to hurt him or start another fight between him and his twin, but I also don't want to be married to the wrong man for the rest of my life. I'm unsure what to do. The wedding date has been set. Help! -- IN LOVE WITH THE DOUBLE

DEAR IN LOVE: You should have put the brakes on the relationship with Mike the minute you realized you were attracted to Matt. The engagement should be ended immediately. That you would not only continue to date Mike but also accept his proposal of marriage knowing you were more attracted to his twin was cruel.

If Matt starts seeing you after the breakup, it will probably cause a permanent rift between them. It will be interesting to see what happens when you become available because with some people the "apple" that's just out of reach is the one that's most enticing -- and you may wind up married to neither brother.

Of course, my gutter trash mind immediately made a leap to an optimal . . . in my gutter trash mind . . . solution to this woman's dilemma. It's so obvious that I'm shocked that Dear Abby didn't come up with it. Perhaps the boys might be open to a relationship involving him, her and he. You never know . . . they could be like Wonder Twins!

Anyhoo . . . the second thing that popped into my filthy little brain was . . . Dyson Suction! Yeah . . . I went there.

Apparently, I'm not the only one! So . . . pfffft!>>>

The best part of this conversation . . . if it could possible get any better . . . was that hubby had just taken a drink and had a mouthful of beer just as I said "Dyson suction" . . .

He was laughing so hard it was like . . . well, something like this
<<<

Romulan Margarita

"Mysterious forces have conspired to create this bluemargarita."

3/4 Cup Tequila

1/2 Cup Blue CuracaoLiqueur

1 Teaspoon Lime Juice

Ice

Mix the tequila, blue Curacaoliqueur, and lime juice in a 2-cup measuring cup, and pour over ice in amargarita pitcher. If preferred, pour into a blender with ice, blend to aslush, and serve in a margarita glasses.

I smoke all the time, one after the other

2012-02-02T05:30:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had someone blow smoke up your ass? Yeah, me too . . . all the time . . . oh,wait . . . no I haven’t! Not ever!

There was a time, in fact, when it was a bona fide medicalpractice for a physician to literally blow smoke up his patient’s ass. I swear! You cannot make this stuff up.

The practice was known as a ‘tobacco smoke enema’. It was common in the mid-18^th centuryuntil the early 19^th century as an acceptable method of artificialrespiration . . . kind of like CPR but instead of blowing air into the lungsthey would . . . well, you get the picture. But just in case you don’t quite get it . . . the procedure entailed(get it . . . tail . . . hehe) inserting a rectal tube into the anus.

The tube was connected to a fumigator andbellow that forced the smoke into the patient’s bum. There were, of course, other more personal methods of introducing the smoke in to one's derriere.

Why, pray tell, would a doctor want to poof smoke into atookus? Sounds like a Clinton/Lewinsky thingwith necrophilial undertones to me . . . but that’s where my mind goes.

The purpose was used to resuscitate drowning victims. Supposedly, the stimulating effects of thetobacco combined with the warm smoke would encourage the person to startbreathing. Surely, if someone blew agust of cigarette smoke into my fanny, I’d probably take a deep breath . . . andthen smack the crap out of the whoever was administering the treatment.

Of course, this came at a time when it was common to usemercury to cure syphilis and morphine/opium compounds to quiet obnoxiouschildren.

The use of tobacco smoke enema’s fell out of favor when itwas discovered that the chief component in tobacco smoke is a cardiac poisonthat can stop the circulation of blood . . . you got it . . . nicotine.

Yes it can kill you. Substances are rapidly absorbed at a higher concentrationwhen passed through the intestinal walls . . . which is why the youths of todayare giving each other alcohol enemas to get drunk faster . . . but that’s awhole other topic.

Anyway, the effects of the procedure dubious at best. Hence . . . the evolution of blowing smoke upone’s ass coming to mean to lie or to tell a falsehood.

Greek/House Dressing

3/4 Cup Olive Oil

2 Teaspoons Garlic Powder

2 Teaspoons Dried Oregano

1 1/2 Teaspoons Dried Basil

1 1/2 Teaspoons Pepper

1 1/2 Teaspoons Salt

1 1/2 Teaspoons Onion Powder

1 1/2 Teaspoons Dijon-Style Mustard

1 Cup Red Wine Vinegar

In a quart container, mix together the olive oil, garlic powder, oregano, basil, pepper, salt, onion powder, and Dijon-style mustard. Pour in the vinegar, and mix vigorously until well blended. Store tightly covered at room temperature.

I smoke all the time, one after the other.
Greta Garbo

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female

2012-02-01T05:30:00.000-05:00

Female bosses . . .

I’ve been working in one job or another since I wasfourteen. I’m a little bit older now . .. just a little . . . and my experience has been that women bosses aremaniacal, insecure, domineering bitches. I know that’s painting a pretty broad stroke but, generally speaking,that has by MY experience.

I think that women often feel threatened by other women and takecriticism personally. They talk all nicety-nice-nice to your face and plunge the knife the second you turn away. They misrepresent your work as their own. Not me, of course. . . other women.

I have a woman boss or two . . . no, scratch that . . . I’vehad ONE woman boss who was great to work for. She was supportive and forthright . . . you always knew where you stood with her,she was helpful and she was never moody. Now her boss? Meee-yow!!!

Because of my earlier experiences with women bosses, I’vesteered myself toward a male dominated field. That way I’m pretty much guaranteed to be working with men

. . . whotend to be more laid back and more willing to share their knowledge.

Maybe it’s just my experience but I will not work foranother woman if I can help it. Not that men bosses can't be loony. . . they seem to be less evil about it.

Just my two cents. Take it or leave it.

Quick and Easy Home Fries

3 Medium Russet Potatoes, Cubed
3 Tablespoons Butter or Margarine
Salt And Pepper To Taste

Rinse potato cubes with cold water, and drain well. Melt butter or margarine in a large skillet over medium heat. Place potatoes in the skillet, and stir to coat with butter. Season with salt and pepper. Cover with a lid, and cook for 10 minutes. Remove the lid, and cook for another 10 minutes, turning frequently until brown and crisp on all sides.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
--Desmond Morris

The land of embarrassment and breakfast.

2012-01-31T05:30:00.000-05:00

Oh, you know how your parents can do all sorts of things to embarrassyou when you're a kid. Hell, I embarrass my kid all the time . . .sometimes even on purpose. What can I say? It'sfun.

Can I remember thesingle most embarrassing moment of my youth that involved my mother? Youcan bet your sweet bippy!

Here's thesituation. We were at a banquet to honor my mother. In attendance were a couple of a hundred ofmy mom's closest friend’s and associates . . . plus a few of my own. There was a lovely meal, much cocktailing andeven more schmoozing. Finally, she get'sup in front of the room of people to make her speech, to give her thanks and toaccept her award. She spoke eloquently . . . graciously acknowledging herhelplings and those who “were wind beneath her wings” and whatnot. As her speech wound down she said that therecould never be any greater honor than this and . . . I quote . . . "I shot my load.”

Silence. Someone clearedtheir throat. Someone stifledlaughter. I almost died.

You know, I don’t think she ever realized what shesaid. And, even if she did would sheeven know what it was she said? Oy.

Parents . . . gotta love ‘em.

Eggs Benedict

4 Egg Yolks

3 1/2 Tablespoons Lemon Juice

1 Pinch Ground White Pepper

1/8 Teaspoon Worcestershire Sauce

1 Tablespoon Water

1 Cup Butter, Melted

1/4 Teaspoon Salt

8 Eggs

1 Teaspoon Distilled White Vinegar

8 Strips Canadian-Style Bacon

4 English Muffins, Split

2 Tablespoons Butter, Softened

To Make Hollandaise: Fill the bottom of a double boilerpart-way with water. Make sure that water does not touch the top pan. Bringwater to a gentle simmer. In the top of the double boiler, whisk together eggyolks, lemon juice, white pepper, Worcestershire sauce, and 1 tablespoon water.

Add the melted butter to egg yolk mixture 1 or 2 tablespoonsat a time while whisking yolks constantly. If hollandaise begins to get toothick, add a teaspoon or two of hot water. Continue whisking until all butteris incorporated. Whisk in salt, then remove from heat. Place a lid on pan tokeep sauce warm.

Preheat oven on broiler setting. To Poach Eggs: Fill a largesaucepan with 3 inches of water. Bring water to a gentle simmer, then addvinegar. Carefully break eggs into simmering water, and allow to cook for 2 1/2to 3 minutes. Yolks should still be soft in center. Remove eggs from water witha slotted spoon and set on a warm plate

While eggs are poaching, brown the bacon in a medium skilletover medium-high heat and toast the English muffins on a baking sheet under thebroiler.

Spread toasted muffins with softened butter, and top eachone with a slice of bacon, followed by one poached egg. Place 2 muffins on eachplate and drizzle with hollandaise sauce. Sprinkle with chopped chives andserve immediately.

The land of embarrassment and breakfast.
--Julian Barnes

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree

2012-01-30T08:47:00.000-05:00

One of my duties as mother and parent to ateenage boy is to torture him. It's a rightand privilege earned by having to put up with his angstiness. And it's fun.

Myprimary fodder is girls. When I ask himif he has a girlfriend, which is fairly often, the typical reply is “moooooooooooooooooom”.

The kid is kinda cute . . . in a moppy haired,Shaggy Doo bearded kind of way. So, Idon’t see any reason why some girlwouldn’t think he’s appealing.

He says he’s not interested in the girls he knows. He says that they’re annoying. All they do is talk, talk, talk and giggle,giggle. Yeah, well, that’s what teenagegirls do. Especially around boys theylike.

Normally he doesn’t like to talk to me about girls . . . oranything else for that matter; you know how kids are. But he just so happened to broach thesubject, so I let him talk.

He said there was this one girl who came running down the hall athim . . . arms wide open and on a collision course for a full frontal tacklinghug. He avoided the attack by turning tothe side and deflecting her with his arm. He escaped, sans hug, with the girl staring at him all goofy-like.

Yep, the chicks dig my boy.

He then went on to tell me that girls only want to use boys to getother boys jealous. That’s remarkably perceptiveand, sadly, true a lot of the time.

He said that just the other day a girl walked up to him and straightup asked him if she could be his girlfriend. Just like that, right out of the blue. He said, “Uh no.” She was alllike, “Come ooooooon be my boyfriend.” He said, “Uhm . . . uh . . . no thanks.” Then she was all like, “Puhleeeeease? My boyfriend just broke up with me.” And my boy replied, “No way!” And made a hasty retreat.

I know that his hormones will eventually drown out the girlybackground noise but for now I’m kinda glad he has yet to submit to theirfeminine wiles. He’ll be my boy for a while longer.

Homemade Chicken with Root Vegetable Soup

1 (3 Pound) Whole Chicken

4 Carrots

4 Stalks Celery

1 Large Onion, Halved

4 Parsnips

2 Potatoes
Egg Noodles (Optional)

Water to Cover

Salt And Pepper To Taste

Put the chicken, 2 carrots, 2 celery stalks, 1 parsnip andonion in a large soup pot and cover with cold water. Heat and simmer, uncovered,until the chicken meat falls off of the bones (skim off foam every so often).

In the meantime peel and chop the remaining vegetables. Set aside.

Take everything out of the pot, discard the vegetables (they’llbe smooshy).

Add the reserved vegetables to the broth and bring to aboil. Turn off the heat.

Pick the meat off of the bones. Season the broth with salt,pepper. Add the egg noodles at this time.

I pack into individual servings and freeze them forlunches. Take them out, pop them in themicrowave and you have fresh, homemade soup whenever you want it.

If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning.

2012-01-28T05:30:00.000-05:00

So there I was flexing my coffee muscles with a co-worker discussing whose coffee is better . . . he had somebitter dark brewed winter blend and I had nicely balanced fresh ground appledumpling. Clearly, I had the superiorcup o’ joe.

Obviously.

Until he said, “that’s girlie coffee.”

Wait . . .what??

I never really thought about it, but I would assume thatcoffee was gender neutral. I mean, okay,you can have some hipster barista whip up a floofy concoction that could lean maybekinda towards the feminine. Maybe.

So, I asked him, “What would you define as ‘girlie’ coffee?”

He said, “you know, those flavored ones; hazelnut,vanilla. I want to taste coffee when I drink my coffee.”

Of course now I’m offended. Yes, I’m a girl . . . but, dammit, I like my golden French toast brew! And, now I have to worry weather or notsomeone will think I’m a frilly pretty-in-pink sorority chick just because ofmy coffee.

Thinking I might be able to snag him with the condiments headded to his java . . . you know, like,sugar, syrups . . . whipped cream. So, I asked him, “What’s your favoriteway to drink coffee.”

Him, “I love a good Latte`”

Him . . . snagged!

“Oh, yeah and that’s not girlie”, says I.

“I’m French. Of course I like latte.”

French . . .

. . . man . . .

. . . latte.

I WIN!

If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning.

Mae West

Firewater Friday - Yodel-Le-He-Hoo!

2012-01-27T05:08:00.000-05:00

Yodeling . . . I get visions dancing in my head of Heidi in pig tails frolicking through the Swiss Alps with her grand-pappy and a plethora of goats.

In fact, yodeling comes in many forms
. . .

Used by shepherds as calls to round up their livestock, in African tribal songs, by Tarzan as he swung from vine to vine, and a tasty cream filled snack cake.

I was recently introduced to a new and entertaining form of yodeling . . . cat yodeling. Also known as . . . playing the Angry Bagpipes.

Depending on your instrument . . . engaging in cat yodeling is not for the faint of heart . . . painful in many instances. For me . . . by invoking this soulful sound I am taking my life into my own hands. My cat . . . clearly not amused. Protective gear . . . totally recommended.

Screwrita

A margarita with orange juice . . . yums!

1/2 Cup Ice

1/2 Cup Orange Juice

1 Fluid Ounce Tequila

1/2 Fluid Ounce Triple Sec

1 Teaspoon Sugar

1 Dash Fresh Lime Juice

Fill a glass with ice. Pour the orange juice, tequila,triple sec, sugar, and lime juice over the ice; stir.

I like breaking the rules

2012-01-26T05:11:00.000-05:00

A cardinal rule . . . what kind of rule? An angry bird rule? God forbid you disobey an angry bird!!

Seriously, though, I always thought the term ‘cardinal rule’ referred to some sort of religious tenet that morphed into an everyday saying about an all important directive that must be obeyed.

Well . . . suffice to say, I was wrong. Shocking, I know. But, it happens now and again.

The word ‘cardinal’ comes from the root word
‘cardo’, which in Latin translates to ‘hinge’ or ‘that on which something turns or depends’. Therefore, something cardinal is important because all else hinges upon it. It is a fundamental rule . . . something that is essential that cannot be deterred from.

A cardinal rule could be: Isn't it the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you are forbidden to wet your hair for at least 24 hours after getting a perm at the risk of deactivating the ammonium thioglycolate?

Back to the church . . . before it was all powerful and had such a grand hierarchy and far reaching authority on everything and everyone . . . a cardinal was simply a clergyman being that he was attached to the church . . . much like a door is attached by a hinge to a building.

And back to that angry bird . . . why is it red? Well, because somehow the name cardinal went from being a simple man to a prince (of the church) and was clad all in red . . . the bird was thusly name because it was all red much likes the robes of churchly princes.

No, he was not red because he was angry; you people and your imaginations. Sheesh!

Grilled Cheese Cheese Stuffed Cheeseburger

Two Slices of Bread

Two Slices American Cheese

One Slice Swiss Cheese

One Half Pound of Lean Hamburger

Butter

Sliced Tomatoes

3 Slices Crisp Bacon

Divide the hamburger into two patties. Fold the Swiss cheese into a square and pressinto the center of one of the patties. Top with the second patty and press to seal edges.

Grill or fry hamburger, until done.

In the meantime butter two slices of bread, and lay on fryingpan, add cheese to the slices of bread and grill till cheese melts and crispybrown on the other side.

Lay cooked hamburger on one of the bread and cheese slices.

Top with tomato slices and bacon.

Serve your amazing creation.

The very essence of instinct is that it's followed independently of reason.

2012-01-25T05:30:00.000-05:00

Yeah, well, if wishes were fishes we'd all be eatin' sushi. Sadly . . . perplexingly . . . it's a true story.

A man walked into a store whips out a bullet and says "this is a stick-up" . . . not in those exact words but that's the gist of what happened. You can't make this stuff up.

And to further prove that fact is often stranger than fiction . . . there is a Wisconsin man who had his name legally changed to . . . wait for it . . . . wait for it . . . Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-bop-bop. Is Mr. Zopittybop-bop-bop an upstanding, responsible citizen? Of course not . . . he's got a rap-sheet a mile and a half long. Perhaps he changed his name to gain some anonymity so he could go on the straight and narrow. Uhm . . . right! Not. He was arrested just two months after he went from Jeffrey Drew to Beezow Doo-Doo for drug possession and carrying a knife.

And then there's the brainiac who stole an airplane, took off and then realized he didn't know how to fly or . . . . more importantly . . . land the thing.

and the Darwin award goes to . . .

Gravy from TurkeyStock

1 TurkeyBones

2 Teaspoons Salt

Dash Pepper

2 Tbsp Butter

2 Tbsp Flour

Add bones to pot and cover with cold water. Bring to asimmer over medium low heat. Reduce heat to low and simmer for about 3 to 4hours. Cool slightly; strain broth into a bowl. Refrigerate then remove fatfrom top of broth.

Melt butter in a large skillet over medium heat; graduallyadd flour and stir until golden brown.

Slowly whisk in stock until blended and smooth. Stir ingiblets, and season with pepper and salt. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, andsimmer for 8 to 10 minutes, or until thickened.

Plop, plop, fizz, fizz; oh what a relief it is!

2012-01-24T05:30:00.000-05:00

Oh, Alka-Seltzer . . . how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. It's good for what ails you . . . aches and pains? headache? upset stomach? and at one time its ads even suggested taking it for "the blahs." I'm jiggy wit dat!

The lemon-lime variation has a salty-sweet thing going on. I'd drink it all day long if it wasn't for the whole overdosing-on-medication thing.

Seriously, it's the best invention since cheesy-poofs.

Alka-Seltzer has been around since 1931 and is simply a combination of aspirin, sodium bicarbonate, and citric acid all compacted into a fizzy tablet. drop into a glass of water and watch it go. It's like magic! But watch out because if you have the glass on top of a pile of papers the effervescence will effervesce all over your papers and make a mess. Don't ask how I know this . . . but there's a reason that Speedy uses an umbrella in the commercial.

It's not only good at curing the icks, but it also can be used as an effective cleaner for your coffee pot, glassware and jewelry . . . all those bubbles cut through grease and grime. Don't mock me before you try it . . . it works!

Anyhoo . . . I'm not suggesting that anyone run out and buy this wonder of all wonders, because it's not necessarily good for everyone, I'm just saying that *I* like it.

Ploppity, ploppity . . . fizzity, fizzity . . .

Creamy Cabbage with Apples and Bacon

1 Teaspoon Olive Oil
6 Slices Bacon, Chopped
1 Large Onion, Chopped
Salt And Pepper To Taste
1 Tablespoon White Sugar
2 Tablespoons Cider Vinegar
1 Head Green Cabbage, Cored And Chopped
2 Large Granny Smith Apples - Peeled, Cored and Thickly Sliced
1/2 Cup Chicken Stock, Or As Needed
1/2 Teaspoon Coriander Seeds
1 Pinch Nutmeg
1/2 Cup Sour Cream

Heat olive oil over medium heat in a large, heavy-bottomed pot or Dutch oven. Add the bacon and cook and stir until most of the fat is rendered, and the bacon is lightly browned but still slightly limp, about 5 minutes. Remove the bacon with a slotted spoon to a small bowl; do not drain. Pour off any excess bacon fat in the pan, according to your taste.

Stir the onion into the pot, season with salt and pepper, and cook and stir over medium-high heat until onion is translucent. Sprinkle in the sugar, then stir in the vinegar-stand back or you'll get a nose full! Scrape up the delicious brown bits from the bottom of the pan. Add the cabbage, stirring well to combine.

Cook, uncovered, until cabbage is reduced and starts to soften, 6 to 8 minutes. Stir in apples, stock, and coriander seeds. Cover, reduce heat to medium low, and cook for at least 30 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add more stock as needed, and continue cooking until the cabbage is soft, but not falling apart.

Just before serving, remove the cover and stir in the bacon with its juices. Cook over medium-high heat until any remaining liquid is reduced to a syrup and the mixture is piping hot, about 5 minutes. Remove from heat, stir in nutmeg, and fold in the sour cream.

Go sit down and look pale.

2012-01-23T05:57:00.000-05:00

I find the intense abhorrence of all things Twilight amusingif not perplexing. I mean, people are literally slamming the teen vamptrilogy as if it sucked as bad as the Carter presidential administration. Really!

And then, on the flipside, people that so are infatuatedwith the story that they cry, scream and worship the characters; much like theteenagers of the 60's with their adoration of Beatles.

Complete devotion . . . concentrated loathing. How canone story be so very polarizing? It’squite compelling and, frankly, I don’t get it.

Curiosity beset me. Ihad to find out what all the hubbub and hullabaloo was about. I read the books. Nay, I devoured them. I thought they were well written and fun. While the characters werenot entirely believable the storyline was fascinating. And besides, who cares, its fiction. Itwas entertaining and that's what it's all about. Anybody who takes this kind of storylineseriously has bigger problems

That being said . . . I like the books but I wouldn't . . . say . . . go out and get a tattooof Edward and Bella in the throes of a passionate moment.

Admittedly these vampires aren’t at sexual as Anne Rice's oras vicious as Larry Correia’s or as singularly evil as Bram Stoker’s. Butgive them a break, they’re just kids.

Here’s the gist . . . the books are suspenseful and romanticwith a little blood letting thrown in. Oh, and because they are gearedtowards teenagers there is no swearing or explicit sexuality.

So, if romance isn’t your thing or horror isn’t your thingor you just can’t read a book without someone cursing . . . cursing not curses,there are plenty of those . . . or folks getting laid every five seconds thenthis is not for you so stop bitching. Noone is forcing anyone to read it.

Let the fans enjoy themselves and allow Stephenie Meyer haveher moment sparkly in the sun.

Ranch Pork Chops

1 Packet (1 Ounce) Hidden Valley® Original Ranch® SaladDressing & Seasoning Mix

Salt And Freshly Ground Black Pepper

6 Pork Loin Rib Chops About 1-Inch Thick

Dash Of Paprika (Optional)

Preheat the oven to 450ºF.

In a small bowl, add the Seasoning mix, together with thesalt, pepper, and paprika and mix well. Liberally sprinkle the pork chops onboth sides with the seasoning mixture.

Arrange the chops on a baking sheet or try with a rack. Bakethe pork chops for 20 minutes, turning once until browned or an internaltemperature of 160ºF is reached. Serve immediately.

One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

2012-01-21T05:30:00.000-05:00

Sometimes a thought or a question just pops into my head andI have to investigate it or know the answer or find a solution. And you, dear reader, are the benefactor of thewhims of my brain farts and the resulting researches . . . aren’t you the luckyone! I wish I was as awesome as you!

Today’s random inspiration . . . pimples. Not just any kind of pimple but the kind thatconsistently return to the same location with similar resulting ickiness.

I have one . . . it’s not painful, it doesn’t appear to bein ingrown hair and it’s not particularly disfiguring but it shows up fairlyregularly in the same exact spot.

I know it’s kind of a gross topic but albeit from me todeprive you, my dear reader, of the knowledge I’ve gained from looking into thetopic.

First of all the most controversial advice . . . pop it, don’tpop it . . . with all kinds of substantiating information as to why or whynot. Yeah, that helps. Not.

From what I was able to glean from the voluminous amount ofinformation out there, the most plausible causes for a pimple popping up in thesame place seem to be:

1. This spot on myface may have increased and sustained release of hormones responsible for acne (meh)

-and/or-

2. Improper hygiene (uhm,I don’t think so)

-and/or-

3. Since I go alongwith the pop-it recommendation . . . that there is still some gunk leftunderneath the skin that hasn’t been "processed" yet so anotherpimple comes up in the exact same place. They eventually go once that area hasbeen completely drained. (hmmm)

-and/or-

4. Constant touchingof the same part . . . it’s possible that this area is being irritated by theprotective glasses I wear, both at work and at the shooting range. That fits. (aha!

And as long as we’re talking about pimples . . . the word “zit”came into poplular usage in the 1960’s. the term may be related to the German "Zitze", which meansteat, nipple.

There you go. Now youknow.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Rodney Dangerfield

Sometimes that's just the way it is.

2012-01-20T12:03:00.001-05:00

Source: Uploaded by user via Cheryl on Pinterest

Firewater Friday - Screw that!

2012-01-20T05:30:00.000-05:00

I hold no claim to being a rock-n-roller. In fact, I did not attend my first concertuntil I was the ripe old age of 19. Granted, it was David Bowie, but still. And, talk about nose-bleedseats? If my seats were any higher inthe rafters I would have been sitting on the roof with the pigeons.

I’ve been to a few concerts since . . . does seeing NeilDiamond twice with my mom count? No? Okay . . . seriously, the man puts on an awesome show. Really!

Anyhoo . . .

My sister once scored me a pair a tickets to see BonJovi. They were decent seats . . . firsttier on the side of the stage with a decent view of the action below.

I wasn’t and am not a big fan of Bon Jovi, but the price wasright and my sister-in-law thought they were the cat’s ass. So, I treated her to dinner and the show,sure that it would be a fun evening. I couldn’timagine how it could suck. Food, beer and rock-n-roll! Woo hoo!

I remember the opening act well; it was the Jeff Healey. Ifyou don’t know who he was . . . and I say was because he died from cancer atthe terribly young age of 41 . . . hehad a hit called Angel Eyes that was a Billboard top five hit for 22 weeks in1989. You need a further clue he was theblind musician who played a role in the 1989 Patrick Swayze film Road House. Anyhoo . . . he was amazing and he put on agreat show.

Bon Jovi was . . . well, I remember them coming on stage andstarting their opening song. After that. . . mmmm . . . not so much. I fellfast asleep . . . I mean I was horking some serious zzzz’s right there in themiddle of all that rock’n and roll’n and chicks- a’scream’n and mysister-in-law hoppin’ and a boppin’.

If you’ve ever been to a rock concert you know how loud theyare. So, it takes some extreme talent tomaster the art of snoozing through all that noise.

I . . . am . . . the . . . master.

Alright, I admit it. I’mlame.

Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle.

2012-01-19T05:30:00.000-05:00

I read something a while back that mentioned humpty dumpty .. . either that or I looked in the mirror and felt a certain kinship with theeggy fellow. Whatever . . . it got me wondering about theorigin of the little rhyme.

Way back when . . . and I mean waaaaaaaaaaay back to the 15^thcentury . . . Humpty Dumpty was a termused to describe someone who was . . .uhm . . . stout. Yeah, that’s it . . . stout. Or, to be less delicate . . . really friggin’ fat.

Anyhoo . . . much to my surprise, Mr. Dumpty was not a reference to a particular person; orany person at all, for that matter. Noreven an egg as the illustrations would lead you to believe.

I had always assumed it was a linguistic slam of a king orsomething. Well, it turns out the HumptyDumpty was an allusion to a weapon of war . . . a big ass (pun intended) cannon,to be exact.

In sixteen hundred andforty-eight,

When Englandsuffered the pains of state,

The Roundheads laidsiege to Colchester town

Where the king's menstill fought for the crown.

There was a siege on the town of Colchester in 1648. Thetown contained a castle and several churches and was . . . dum diddy dum . . . protected by the city wall. Not just any wall. . . but THE wall . . . Humpty’s wall! HumptyDumpty was strategically placed said wall.

There One-EyedThompson stood on the wall,

A gunner of deadliestaim of all.

From St. Mary's Towerhis cannon he fired,

Humpty Dumpty was itsname.

During the siege, a bombardment from the attacking forcesbusted a hole in the wall beneath the cannon which, not surprisingly, causedthe great fall.

Humpty dumpty sat on awall,

Humpty dumpty had agreat fall;

Threescore men andthreescore more,

Could not place Humptyas he was before.

‘All the king's horsesand all the king's men’ . . . i.e. the cavalry and knights . . . attemptedto raise Humpty Dumpty on to another part of the wall. But because Humpty wasso . . . uhm . . . stout . . . that is, the cannon was so frickin’ heavy . . . they couldn’t get him back up on thewall.

Humpty Dumpty sat onthe wall,

Humpty Dumpty had agreat fall;

All the king's horsesand all the king's men

Couldn't put Humptytogether again.

This caused the town to fall into the enemy hands. The end.

No-Knead Bread

3 Cups All-Purpose Or Bread Flour, More For Dusting

¼ Teaspoon Instant Yeast

1¼ Teaspoons Salt

Cornmeal, As Needed

In a large bowl combine flour, yeast and salt. Add 1 5/8cups water, and stir until blended; dough will be shaggy and sticky. Cover bowlwith plastic wrap. Let dough rest at least 12 hours, preferably about 18, atwarm room temperature, about 70 degrees.

Dough is ready when its surface is dotted with bubbles.Lightly flour a work surface and place dough on it; sprinkle it with a littlemore flour and fold it over on itself once or twice. Cover loosely with plasticwrap and let rest about 15 minutes.

Using just enough flour to keep dough from sticking to worksurface or to your fingers, gently and quickly shape dough into a ball.Generously coat a cotton towel (not terry cloth) with flour, wheat bran orcornmeal; put dough seam side down on towel and dust with more flour, bran orcornmeal. Cover with another cotton towel and let rise for about 2 hours. Whenit is ready, dough will be more than double in size and will not readily springback when poked with a finger.

At least a half-hour before dough is ready, heat oven to 450degrees. Put a 6- to 8-quart heavy covered pot (cast iron, enamel, Pyrex orceramic) in oven as it heats. When dough is ready, carefully remove pot fromoven. Slide your hand under towel and turn dough over into pot, seam side up;it may look like a mess, but that is O.K. Cover with lid andbake 30 minutes, then remove lid and bake another 15 to 30 minutes, until loafis browned. Cool on a rack.

Yield: One 1½-pound loaf.

“Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle.”
Lewis Carroll quote

Thought is the fountain of speech

2012-01-18T05:30:00.000-05:00

I had a dream the other night that I’d been going aboutdrinking from the office water fountain all wrong.

Apparently, all you had to do was put your head down andlips near the spout and a lovely flow of cool water would be available for theslurping.

How I to know there was was aproximity detector installed on the deceptively antiquated looking waterfountain?

But, alas, I woke up to find that I did, indeed, have topress the button to make the water come out.

Curse you, imaginary magical water fountain.

When will my dreams ever come true? My subconscious mind is nothing but a bigtease.

Deboning Chicken or

Turkey

Breast

Place a whole chicken or turkey breast skin-side down on aplastic cutting board with the pointed end facing away from you.

Using a sharp knife, slice through the white cartilage inthe center of the breast, just above the keel bone.

Pick up the breast and bend it backwards, pushing toward youwith your fingertips to pop out the keel bone (the keel bone is the dark heavybone in the center of the breast.)

Work with your fingers and the knife along the sides of thekeel bone to free it and pull out the entire bone, including the cartilage(white soft portion) at the pointed end of the breast.

There are two long bones (one on each side) which extendbackwards toward the point of the breast. Slip the knife point under one ofthese bones, loosening it.

Grasp the bone and lift it away from the breast, removingthe rib cage while you slice closely along the back of it with your knife untilit is free; repeat for the other side.

The wishbone remains - just pull it out.

Bacon Wrapped Stuffed Turkey Breast

1 Deboned or Boneless Turkey Breast

1 Lb Slab Bacon

Stuffing

Butterfly the breast by laying it flat on a cutting board.Holding the blade of a knife parallel to the board, about halfway down, sliceinto the thickest portion of the breast. Cut along the length of the breast,but not all the way through. Unfold so the turkey opens like a book.

Put the turkey breast between two pieces of wax paper orplastic wrap and gently pound with a mallet until it is about 1/4 inch thick.

Spread a thin layer of the stuffing over the breast, leavingabout 3/4 inch border around all sides. Tightly roll the breast lengthwise.

Basket weave half the bacon on one side of the turkey breastroll. Turn over and basket weave theremaining bacon on the other side of the roll.

Tie the rolled turkey breast tightly with kitchen string andset it on a roasting pan.

Roast at 400° for 20 minutes, then drop the heat to 325° androast for another 45 minutes to and hour, or until the internal temperature ofthe breast reads about 155° on a meat thermometer.

Once the turkey reaches that temperature remove it from theroasting pan and tent it loosely with foil. Let it rest at least 10 minutes,and up to 25 minutes.

While the turkey breast is resting, if you want, you may beable to make a little gravy with the drippings.

Ollie ollie oxen free

2012-01-17T05:04:00.000-05:00

Ollie ollie oxen freeeeeeee . . .

You remember don’t you? Playing Hide and Seek as a little kid . . . there was always one kid whowas the bestest hider. Maybe it was you - maybe it was your best friend - maybe it was the other kid. Whatever. There came a point in the game where the seeker had to give up the ghostand sound the all’s clear . . . ollieollie oxen free . . . meaning that anyone still hiding could reenter thefray without fear of being tagged.

Yes, this blog post was inspired by an Ihasahotdog dog . . . what of it?

The big question is . . . who is Ollie and why did he set the oxen free? Don't be silly. There was no Ollie and there were certainly no oxen. What's the matter with you?? Sheesh.

Hide and seek is a centuries old game . . . many, manycenturies. The all clear signal has beensounded over these multitudes of years and morphed from something like all ye out come in free or somethinglike that. You know how kids are . . .in one ear and out the other and you know their going to mess up thetranslation. It happens.

Ollie . . . all ye . . . allye . . . ollie. That makes a certain amount of sense.

Oxen . . . oxen . . . uhm, that one is not so easy . . . howabout outs in free -or- all come free.

All ye, all ye outs in freeeeeee.

-or-

All ye, all ye, all come freeeeeee.

They both work for me.

-OR-

How about this . . . alle,alle, alle sind frei.

Das ist deutschen . . . er . . . I mean, that is be German. Sorry, I got caught up in the moment. Anyhoo . . . Alle,alle, alle sind frei literally translates to all, all, all are free.

I think all are plausible. You, my friend, are free to gleanfrom this what you will.

Honey Mustard Dipping Sauce

1/2 Cup Mayonnaise

2 Tablespoons Prepared YellowMustard

1 Tablespoon Dijon Mustard

3 Tablespoons Guinness Mustard

2 Tablespoons Honey

1/2 Tablespoon Lemon Juice

Mix the mayonnaise, yellow mustard, Dijon mustard, honey, and lemon juicetogether in a bowl. Cover and chill in refrigerator overnight.

What the duck?!

2012-01-16T05:27:00.000-05:00

True story.

I am one of a two person IT department. Part of my job is to help employees andinstruct them in the use of our in house applications. I’m happy to be of assistance . . . however, Ican’t tell someone how to do their job and I have little patience forineptitude

So . . .

An end user comes to my desk and asked me to show him how todo something . . . for the purposes of this post I will call him Duck . . . asin, What the Duck.

He wanted to summarize an spreadsheet report by product codeand then total the costs by product code.

Easy peasy . . .

Right . . .

Duck has already been shown how to do similar things in comparablereports . . . it's the same procedure across all reports . . . on a number ofdifferent occasions.

No problem. I sighinwardly and I give him a quick refresher on how to do this. It really is quite easy. So easy a caveman could do it.

You select ‘group by’ on an options drop down menu, selectthe ‘group by’ option then drag and drop to group the items by product code . .. bink . . . done.

Then you select ‘summary’ on the options drop downmenu. Click the column you want tosummarize . . . bink . . . done.

It gives a total by product code and a total of all productcodes.

Exactly what Duck wanted and how he wanted it to look.

Seriously, a caveman could do it.

“Did you understand that?”, I asked him.

“Yes”, Duck replied. “Canyou come over to my desk when you have time to show me how to do it?”

I . . . just . . . did . . . head explodes.

Green Balls Recipe:

1 - 10 Ounce Package Frozen Chopped Spinach

2 Cup Herb Stuffing Mix, Crushed

1 Cup Firmly Packed Fresh Grated Parmesan Cheese

1/2 C Melted Butter

4 Green Onions, Finely Chopped

3 Eggs, Beaten

Thaw and drain spinach.

Combine all ingredients in a large bowl. Mix well. Make 1inch balls and place on greased cookie sheets or cookie sheets lined with parchment paper. Bake 350 degrees F for20-25 minutes. Watch closely because they will burn easily.

They are very good with a honey mustard dipping sauce, cranberrysauce, or by themselves.

Make ahead of time and refrigerate or freeze them.

The vulgar boil, the learned roast, an egg

2012-01-14T05:30:00.000-05:00

I tend to be interested in geeky type stuff, you might go so far as to say I'm an egghead, so please indulge me while I get a little excited about a nerdy topic.

It all started when I read or heard about how it was hard to make a good soft boiled egg in recent years due to the thinning of eggshells in eggs laid by domestic fowl. Apparently, the top of a shell simply doesn’t break cleanly and the soft boiled eggs end up with unpleasant crunchy bits inside the ooey gooey nomminess.

For the past half of a century or so, there is an ongoing controversy over the effects of the pesticide DDT and bird eggshell thinning which was causing bird populations to diminish dangerously. I'm not going to get into the science or politics of this issue . . .

it's complicated and technical to the point of eyes crossing and cranial eggsplosions . . . it may be important to study but OMG so boooooooooooring.

During my brief exploration of the subject, I did an internet search on the thickness of eggshells and came across an interesting . . . to me . . . article. So, I am sharing it with y'all.

The question is: Which is proportionately thicker: Earth’s crust or eggshell?

Well, someone with more brainpower than me and too much time on their hands actually figured it out. Relatively speaking . . . the egg wins. Proportionally, an eggshell is 3 to 4 times thicker than the earth’s crust. That deserves an ovation.

HA!

Okay so here’s the math . . .

Typical poultry eggshell thickness = approximately 0.35 mm

Average egg diameter = 50 mm (2 inches)

The ratio of these values is (0.35/50) = (7/1000).

On average the Earth’s crust = approximately 25 km

The Earth’s diameter = 12800 km

The ratio comes out to (25/12800) = (2/1000).

7/1000 vs 2/1000 . . . even I can do that math.

The vulgar boil, the learned roast, an egg.

Alexander Pope

Know Your Meme

2012-01-13T05:30:00.000-05:00

I take a peculiar kind of pride in knowing all kinds of obscurestuff. Mind you . . . my hubby is thelord-god-king of little known factoids . . .

I’m kind of embarrassed that I only recently discovered whata meme is. I mean I know what a meme isbut I didn’t know it had an actually name.

If you are as clueless as I am, the term meme (meem)was first coined in 1976. It is an idea,behavior or style that spreads from person to person within a culture.

But what I’m talkingabout is internet meme. An internetmeme is used to describe a concept that spreads via . . . (drumroll) . . . the Internet.

Well, it turns out that I love memes. The cute fuzzy ones, at least.

Although, there are some pretty bizzarro ones out there.

New knowledge acquired . . .

If the house is a-rockin' don't come a-knockin'

2012-01-12T05:19:00.000-05:00

I don't subscribe to any sort of organized religion. That being said . . . I’m not opposed toreligion. I don’t particularly care whatanyone else believes in just as long as it doesn’t effect me and, especially,if they don’t push their beliefs on me.

I live in a community where there’s a fairly populous JehovahWitness community. Again . . . I don’tcare about them and their practices. Exceptthat their practices . . . sometimes (toooften) effect me.

They regularly blanket the community; going from door todoor. You can spot them a mile away . .. youngish, attractive and well dressed. And they have no problem with intruding on your privacy.

KnockKnock

Witnesses, "We're doing a survey on religionin

America

.Could you give us a minute of your time to answer a few questions?"

Me, tucking a towel under my arms, “As you cansee I just got out of the shower, but I guess I can answer one or twoquestions.”

Witnesses, “Do youregularly attend a church?”

Me, as towel comes untied and falls to the floor,“No.”

Unaffected . . . Witnesses, “Do you ever attend church?”

Me, as I readjust my towel, “No.”

Fromupstairs, “Honey, what’s taking you so long.”

Witnesses, “Do you believe in heaven?”

Me, pointing to the ceiling, “Yeah, it’s up therewaiting for me.”

A singsongvoice from upstairs, “I’m waaiiiiting forr youuuuuuuuuuu.”

Now they begin to get the point because one of Witnessessuddenly looked kind of embarrassed and the other one made a small"eek" type sound.

With a quota to fill . . . Witnesses, "Well,uhm, if you believed that heaven might be real, would you like to know moreabout it?"

Me, “I’ll tell youwhat . . . if you come back later I’ll tell you all about it.”

Now-a-days I just don’t answer my door if I don’t know who’sthere . . . but then again, they haven’t come a-knockin’ any time in recentmemory. Could be my address is on somekind of ‘do-not-knock’ list. They may beholy rollers, but they ain’t stupid.

Or maybe they are . . . there was one time when one gotpretty darned close to getting shot. Iwas walking along the sidewalk very early in the morning on my way to catch mycommuter train when a car pulled up beside me. A man got out of the vehicle and approached me, “Can I ask you a fewquestions.” I started backing up and hejust kept right on coming. Feelingextremely threatened and trapped, I was seconds from drawing my firearm. That was when he started waiving hispamphlets at me and blabbering about getting saved. Well, nobody got shot that day but hecertainly got a piece of my mind.

Believe in what you want . . . don't come to my home uninvited, don't bother me, don't talk to me.

Hearty Pumpernickel Bread

2 Cups Warm Milk

2 Tablespoons Vegetable Oil

4 Tablespoons Molasses

3 1/4 Cups Bread Flour

1 1/3 Cups RyeFlakes

1/2 Cup Cornmeal

1 1/3 Teaspoons Salt

2 2/3 Teaspoons Active Dry Yeast

4 Tablespoons Unsweetened CocoaPowder

2 2/3 Tablespoons Brown Sugar

1 Extra Large Egg

1 Tablespoon Water

Process rye flakes into a rough flour in a food processor or blender. Rye flour may be substituted.

Mix well bread flour,rye flour, cornmeal, salt, yeast, cocoa, and brown sugar. Add milk, oil, and molasses.Mix thoroughly. When mixed well enough that the dough holds together, knead byhand 15-20 minutes.

Cover, let rise in bowl 60 minutes. Punch down, form into aloaf or place into 9 1/2x5 inch pan.

Cover with damp cloth and let rise about 1 hour.

Brush egg wash over tops of loaves.

Bake in preheated 375 degree F oven 25 to 30 minutes.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three

2012-01-11T05:30:00.000-05:00

I was always good at readin’ and writin’ . . . but ‘rithmeticescaped me on so many different levels. Iget the basics . . . I’m not a mathematical moron . . . but the more advancestuff, well, I just don’t get it.

When I was a kid, when I was in school I actually had to usemy head, paper and a pencil. Pocket calculators were available but theywere expensive, bulky and impractical to your every day kid on the bus.

It's true that as I grew into junior-highness smaller solar calculatorswere all the rage. But, I didn't have one. No money = no calculator.

My point is that I, with my mathematically challenged brain,had to learn math the hard way. Retention? Well, that's something else, entirely.

Those ofus . . . not me . . . with the means to afford such a spiffy device weren’tallowed to use them in class anyway. Teacher said that it was unrealistic to expect to have a calculator alwaysin hand and so it was best that you not use it as a crutch.

Yeah? Well, what didshe know? Huh? HUH??

Ring! Ring! You wanna answer that, teach??

Igot’s my calc right here, baby. That’s right!

Just sayin'.

Sourdough Starter

Make the starter twoor three days ahead of making the bread.

2 Cups All-Purpose Flour

2 Cups Warm Water (110 Degrees F)

1 (.25 Ounce) Package Active Dry Yeast

Mix together flour, warm water, and yeast in a large glassbowl. Let stand uncovered in a warm place over night or up to 48 hours. Thelonger the mixture stands, the stronger the ferment will be.

After fermenting, the starter is ready to use or to storecovered in the refrigerator. Feed once or twice a week with 1 cup milk, 1 cupflour, and 1/4 cup sugar; allow the starter to rest at room temperature forseveral hours after feeding.

Sourdough Bread

4 3/4 Cups Bread Flour

3 Tablespoons White Sugar

2 1/2 Teaspoons Salt

1 (.25 Ounce) Package Active Dry Yeast

1 Cup Warm Milk

2 Tablespoons Margarine, Softened

1 1/2 Cups Sourdough Starter

1 Extra Large Egg

1 Tablespoon Water

In a large bowl, combine 1 cup flour, sugar, salt, and dryyeast. Add milk and softened butter or margarine. Stir in starter. Mix in up to3 3/4 cups flour gradually; you may need more depending on your climate.

Turn dough out onto a floured surface, and knead for 8 to 10minutes. Place in a greased bowl, turn once to oil surface, and cover. Allow torise for 1 hour, or until doubled in volume.

Punch down, and let rest 15 minutes. Shape into loaves.Place on a greased baking pan.

Allow to rise for 1 hour, or until doubled.

Brush egg wash over tops of loaves.

Bake at 375 degrees F (190 degrees C) for 30 minutes, ortill done.

We are shaped and fashioned by what we love

2012-01-10T05:30:00.000-05:00

I love my old comfy clothes . . . my super soft sweatshirtwith the rips in the collar and cuffs, my raggedy old t-shirt that has so manyholes in it I can’t wear it outside of the house, the shorts that captured my thenfuture-husband’s imagination and turned his heart into a molten mound of mush.

You know what I'm talking about. What's the first sweatshirt that you grab? The brandy-spankin' new hoodie or your old college sweats? Admit it . . .

It takes a lot of time to get clothes broken in just so . .. and then after that it’s all downhill. Alas; eventually they disintegrate into an unwearable poof of lint. It’s so sad when that happens. But it’s nice while it lasts.

You fashionistas can cringe all you want . . . relaxed andcozy is wear (spelling ‘error’ intentional) it’s at. But, I guess you already new (again, intentional) that . . . it's apparently fashionable to dress all bedraggle-like. Now-a-days you can get your clothes pre-ripped,pre-faded and pre-super-softed.

Designers call it "distressed" or "vintage". I call it $$Cha-ching$$

Hmmm . . . maybe I should go into business . . . I gots myself lotsa worn out comfy clothes with alotta wear in them.

My kinda style! Looking like shit is it! Yay!! I'm stylin'!

That being said, did you know that there is a market for used underwear? I sh!t you not . . . panties and boxers are being auctioned off to the highest bidder. Can you imagine selling your Fruit-of-the-looms for $15 . . . $30 . . . or even $75?? If selling used underpants isn't bad enough, they are generally sold with a slightly musky scent or,,for a little bit extra, graciously spattered with . . . uhm . . . DNA, and sometimes stained with . . . well, use your imagination. But that's a whole other thing.

Cheese Fondue

1/2 Pound Swiss-Style Cheese such as Jarlsberg Or Emmenthaler,Shredded

1/2 Pound Gruyere Cheese, Shredded

2 Tablespoons Flour or Cornstarch

1 Garlic Clove, Halved Crosswise

1 Cup Dry White Wine (Such As Sauvignon Blanc)

1 Tablespoon Lemon Juice

1 Tablespoon Kirsch (Cherry Brandy)

1/2 Teaspoon Dry Mustard

Pinch of Freshly Grated Nutmeg

A Fondue Pot

Assorted dipping foods such as cubed day-old French bread (skipfor gluten-free version), cubed ham (skip for vegetarian option), blanchedbroccoli, carrots, or cauliflower, cherry tomatoes, chopped green bell peppers,peeled and chopped apples or pears

Place the shredded cheese and cornstarch in a plasticfreezer bag. Seal, shake to coat the cheese with flour or cornstarch. Setaside.

Rub the inside of a 4-quart pot with the cut garlic, thendiscard. Add the wine and lemon juice to the pot, and bring to a low simmer onmedium heat. Bit by bit, slowly stir the cheese into the wine. Stir constantlyin a zig-zag pattern to prevent the cheese from seizing and balling up. Cookjust until the cheese is melted and creamy. Do not let boil. Once the mixtureis smooth, stir in kirsch, mustard and nutmeg.

Transfer the cheese to a fondue serving pot, set over a lowflame to keep warm. If your pot is thin-bottomed, a lit candle will probablydo. If thick-bottomed, you can use a small Sterno.

Arrange various dipping foods around the fondue pot.

To eat, spear dipping foods with fondue forks or smallforks. Dip to coat with the cheese, and eat.

Serves 4.

We are shaped and fashioned by what we love.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe